I HATE THIS ROLLER COASTER! GET ME OFF!!

I think they call it the "Judge Roy Scream."  Back in 1986, Steve and I took our daughters on a family vacation to Six Flags Over Texas.  I have never been much of a roller coaster fan, but Steve and the girls thought it would be fun. The ride called for two people per car, so I had to sit with my little Natalie.  I couldn't let her sit alone on this big, scary roller coaster.  Steve and April were very excited and brave about the whole thing.  Natalie wanted to be just as brave as her big sister.  By the time she and I were belted in together, it was too late to change our minds.  The ride had begun. 

I don't remember a gentle start to this ride, one that would lull you into thinking that this was going to be relaxed, and then scare you at the first turn.   No, I remember that it started with great speed and it never let up!  Up and down, this way and that way, jerking your head around, it was difficult to know which way was up!  Although I was hating every minute of this experience,  I knew that my little girl was probably more frightened than I.  "Isn't this is awesome, Baby?  Isn't this fun?" My Mommy pep talks didn't help her at all.  I will never forget the six year old sized fingernail imprints in my hands as my little girl screamed, "I HATE THIS ROLLER COASTER!  GET ME OFF!!"

I think they call it "Cancer."  Two weeks ago, my doctor gave me unwelcomed news that has put me on the roller coaster of my lifetime.  I have never been much of a roller coaster fan, and I hate this one most of all.  I am using all my resources to adjust to my new norm, but nothing about Kathy and cancer is normal.  Sometimes, I just live above the reality.  I study the medical terminology, I read everything I can get my hands on about Waldenstrom's macroglobulinemia.  I have brushed up on the biology lessons about red blood cells, white blood cells, platelets, plasma, monoclonal protein and more.  I have even seen my own bone marrow and a sliver of bone from the inside of my hip.  But nothing I have read or seen helps me to believe that I have a life threatening disease.  I am trying to apply this information to my life, but the truth is.........  I'm not sick.  I look fine. I feel great (and for that, I am grateful.)  Nothing about me has changed.  The only cancer symptoms I have are pathology reports. 

Just when I think I have come to terms with me and cancer, I go into an emotional talespin.  Sometimes in the middle of a sentence, the panic comes.  Getting the MRI today was difficult.  Not because it was painful or scary.  But, because it brought me to reality.  As we were leaving the hospital, my Stevie told me, "We are done.  Let's go home."  It was then that I realized we aren't done at all.  We are only beginning.  Blood tests, bone marrow biopsies, cancer treatment - these are going to be parts of my life from now on. 

Don't get me wrong.  I am grateful for the medical professionals who devote their lives to helping others.  They are my team.  They are going to help me stay well and live a long life.  But, I sure wish I had my old life back.  I feel like a little girl leaving fingernail imprints in the hands that are holding mine.  I want to scream, "I HATE THIS ROLLER COASTER!  GET ME OFF!!"  Then I remember that Jesus told me, "I will uphold you by my righteous right hand."  I STILL want to get off the roller coaster,  but it good to know that Jesus has my hand.