KEEP ON KEEPING ON

     It was two years ago tomorrow when my doctor said that word.  The numbers printed on the lab results meant absolutely nothing to me.  There had to be another explanation than the "C" word.  My oncologist said the dreaded word and sent me immediately to the scheduling desk.  My day planner was filled for the next three weeks with appointments and events that thoroughly terrified me.  If you know anything about me, you are aware that am a card-carrying needle-phobic.  I don't mean just the kind that gets nervous at injection time.  I am talking complete loss of consciousness.  My Mom could tell you about the time when teenaged Kathy reported to the hospital lab for pre-op testing prior to a tonsillectomy.  Apparently I went into the lab by foot and came out of the lab by wheelchair.  I don't remember much in between, but I do remember asking Mom, "why am I in a wheel chair?"  As an adult, I always warned my nurses and lab techs that I needed to lay down to have blood drawn.  I told them that I was a frequent fainter, just wake me up when it is over.  My husband takes great delight in sharing the story of taking me to the doctor with a really bad sinus infection and picking me up off the exam room floor because of a penicillin shot.  I tell you that so that you can understand the horror that February, 2013 held for me.  CT scan (with dye,) Bone Marrow Biopsy (you can't even call that needle a needle - - - it is more like a drill!), more blood work, and MRI (with dye of course.) 
     Two years later, I have had countless blood tests, 18 chemo injections in the tummy, and nine chemo infusions.  God has blessed me with answered prayer regarding my needle-phobia.  Shortly after diagnosis we had a talk, God and me.  I told him of my fears and asked him to take away my fear of needles. This burden was immediately lifted from me.  Now, I do have to admit, I did not ask God to help me enjoy needles...... no, not at all.  I still hate them.  But every time one comes near me, I just say, "this is going to help save my life" and God gets me through it.
     So, two years after diagnosis, I feel that I should be wiser, I feel that I should understand why I am living with a cancer that only effects 6 in a million people.  I feel that by now I should have put all of this into perspective.  Nope!  Not at all.  Cancer is confusing, cruel, and all-consuming.  Physically, I have good days and "cancer days."  On "cancer days" I feel exhausted from the deepest part of myself.  It is not a normal tiredness.  It is as if every part of my body is rebelling.  Other physical symptoms are beginning to show themselves, but I am learning to deal with that.  For me, the most difficult part of this journey has been and continues to be the emotional reaction to the diagnosis, the treatment, the knowledge that my cancer is "not yet curable," and the uncertainty of when my next treatment regimen will begin.  I am still processing the fact that I have a chronic illness that is unlikely to be cured in my lifetime.  But, at the same time, I feel unbelievably blessed.
     I am not alone.  My family, friends, medical peeps - I am so grateful for each one.  But, I have to tell you, the past 24 months have brought about a closer relationship with my best friend, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  I always knew He was there, I just didn't always feel the need to call on Him.  The "C" word has brought me to a new dependence on him, and for that, I am forever grateful.
     Tomorrow begins year three of my cancer journey.  Unless God chooses to heal me miraculously, He will walk beside me through the fatigue, the aches and pains, the confusion, and even the encounters with needles.  He provides the great minds who create life-saving drugs, He provides the medical professionals who prescribe and administer them - for now, this is my healing.  Oh, my body will be completely healed of cancer one day.  If not in this lifetime, in the next.  Until then....

"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for.

Keep on seeking, and you will find.

Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you."

Matthew 7: 7 (New Living Translation) 

Do not be afraid or terrified,

for the Lord your God goes with you;

he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Dueteronomy 31: 6