DISAPPOINTMENT

The emotion of the day:  disappointment.  Not panic, not despair, not fear - just disappointment.  My crazy blood is getting crazier and I am powerless to stop it.

I have lived with the diagnosis of blood cancer for five months.  I have read everything I can get my hands on about dealing with cancer - both the physical and the emotional aspects.  Well meaning friends have given me sincere advice about living life with cancer and I think I have tried it all.

I will call those first days after diagnosis the "DEPRESSION AND FEAR PERIOD."  Dark, ugly days.  I do not want to go there again.

Then came the "TOTALLY CONFUSED AND DISPLACED ERA."   For weeks, I could not concentrate.  I could not complete a task. Disorganized days of Attention Deficit Disorder in a brain that had never experienced it before.

Next came the "HAVE ENOUGH FAITH TO EARN HEALING PHASE."  Although I had never really believed that God hands out blessings in direct relationship to a person's faith, I followed the advice of lots of good friends and learned about that line of reasoning.  Many folks find comfort in that theology, but something about earning healing by works just does not sit right with me. I completely believe that our God is a God of healing, I also believe that He loves his children unconditionally and that thankfully, I do not have to earn his mercy.  He has a plan for me whether it includes miraculous healing, medical healing, or heavenly healing.

The past few months have been the "FORGET ABOUT CANCER AND LIVE YOUR LIFE DAYS."  This has worked very well for me.  Weeks have gone by that cancer has not even entered my mind.  How nice these days have been.  A friend of mine (also a blood cancer fighter) advised me to go about my business and the doctors will tell me when it is time to be concerned.  Well, darn it! The doctors told me that this week. The news has hit me like a ton of bricks.  

With a disease like Waldenstrom's, constant monitoring of the blood is necessary.  Each month, we check my hemoglobin levels to track the progress of the anemia that is a by-product of the cancer. As expected, these numbers have fluxuated up and down.  But, generally they are staying at a safe level.   Most importantly, my energy level is good.  (The doctors keep asking me "How are you feeling?.... Are you tired?....Do you have difficulty getting through the day?"  Thank God, I am doing well in those areas, but I just keep wondering when the predicted fatigue is going to hit me. What will I do then?)

This month I had my first complete myeloma panel since the original diagnosis. The numbers provide an illustration of the reproduction rate of the malignant plasma cells.  That is where the disappointment comes in.  The numbers are changing.  They are heading in the wrong direction.  I wonder why I can't feel that?  Numbers on a lab chart are the only signs that I have a problem.  It is all just surreal.  The IgM number is increasing, which means, the bad cells are busy reproducing.  The viscosity number is rising which indicates that my blood is getting thicker because of the increase in malignant cells. If change continues at this rate, treatment is a few months down the road.

When I saw my doctor in Houston back in February, he assured me that it could be years, even decades, before I would need treatment.  Apparently, that is not going to happen for me.  The indolent cancer in my body has taken a growing spell.  His words to me this week, "Well, it looks as if you may need treatment sooner than later.  I will reserve judgement until we get the next round of lab results."

DISAPPOINTMENT:
That is the only word to describe my emotional state as of now.  

GRATITUDE:
The medical world has provided me with a myriad of treatment
possibilities that will keep this disease in check.
NERVOUSNESS:
More needles; infusions of toxic chemicals into my body; physical discomfort.
TRUST:
 I know that through it all, God has a plan for me.  I know that this world is not my home and that one day, I will live with Him, free of cancer. Until then, I am determined to enjoy my life,  and fight the disease.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 
who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8: 28

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways,
and My thoughts than your thoughts.  
Isaiah 55: 9