In my ideal world, this post would open like this: "Hello everybody, I just want to tell you that I have reached a point of complete trust in God. I no longer worry about things over which I have no control. I am at peace with my blood disorder, I have total faith that this disease will not progress and that I will live a life free of chemotherapy and bone marrow transplants. Anxiety and fear are no longer a part of my life! I have arrived!"
Back to the real world. Yesterday was a terrible day! I read about a Waldenstrom's survivor who is ten years younger than me. He was diagnosed seven years ago. When I began reading his story, I was happy to learn of someone else with crazy blood. Maybe we would have something in common. Perhaps his story would help me in my journey. That did NOT happen! His story was dark and depressing. Poor guy. He has already reached the final stage of therapy, the bone marrow transplant. He is in remission now, but is quick to say that it is just a matter of time before the disease becomes active again. He told his twin daughters, "Even when I am not with you, I am with you."
I quickly decided that reading this story would not be beneficial to me. I put the article away, but not before the spirit of fear was planted in my brain. All day long, Rational Kathy explained to Emotional Kathy that this was his story, not mine. All day long, the battle between the Kathys continued, and I am sure you can guess who won! Logic and intellect didn't have a chance when the panic and anxiety took over. That fight or flight instinct is very powerful in this girl. I can't tell you how much I hate that!
The entire day was spent on a see-saw. I put my fear in God's hands....... I took it back. Gave it back to God..........picked it up again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I broke down in front of some girlfriends. Note to self: NEVER do that again! One friend advised, "Just pretend you don't have cancer." REALLY? But I DO have cancer. Another friend spent an hour telling me about people who had been healed of their illnesses. She encouraged me to demand healing in the name of Jesus. But the secret to success is faith. You will only be healed if you have complete faith. I DO have faith, but I'm still scared. I know that God has the power to heal. I also know that thousands of people die of cancer. I don't know how to DEMAND healing from God. I don't know how to have that kind of faith. Even Jesus asked his Father, "Let this cup pass from me." For the good of humanity, God had other plans for His own son. I left that conversation feeling like a complete failure. Remnants of fear followed me all day. By dinner time, I was exhausted. Completely spent. I went to bed before dark and slept all night.
Today, I start fresh. I begin the day by writing, singing, and reading the word. I pray that God will give me a fearless heart today. My intellect understands Waldenstrom's Macroglobulinemia - at least as much as a layman possibly can. I've done my homework. I also know that I am experiencing the blessing of good health in the midst of the chaos in my blood.
So, I start today by asking God's forgiveness for doubting. I am asking Him to give me freedom from a spirit of fear. I am praying for a blessing on my marrow: I am asking Him to multiply my red blood cells and destroy malignant plasma. Most of all, I am giving Him the glory for all the good in my life. No matter where the future leads me, I know that He will walk beside me. I know that I can be strong and courageous because of Christ living in me. I rejoice in the knowledge that every step on earth brings me one step closer to an eternity in Heaven. I pray that God will give me the courage to take every step with a fearless heart.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7.
"Don't be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6
"For I am The Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
BUTTERFLIES
Let's talk about butterflies. Not the beautiful creatures that fly around flowers. But the kind that have a party in my tummy every single time I get in my car to see my oncologist. No matter how much I pray them away, they just seem to enjoy tormenting me.
Deep in my being, I am completely assured that I have given my health and my life to the Almighty God. With all my mind, body and soul, I believe that I am going to be OK. My study on Waldenstrom's Macroglobulinemia has assured my intellectual being that I can live a long life with my crazy blood. My physical being is strong and healthy. In fact, one of my doctors told me, "You are the healthiest looking sick lady I've ever seen!" My spirit is calm and at peace with my present and my future with cancer. God, my doctors, and I have got this!
I have read and prayed all of the promises in scripture. "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5: 7.) "When I am afraid, I will trust in you." (Psalm 56: 3.) "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4: 6 - 7.)
But those darn butterflies! I feel like a complete failure when they arrive. Earlier in the week, I got in the car to go in for my monthly lab work. I told my husband that there was no need for him to go with me this time. Lo and behold, a half a mile down the road, the butterflies showed up. I called him and said, "I was wrong about not needing you this time. This is going to be difficult."
When I think of all the doctor visits in my future, I sure wish those butterflies would disappear. But, you know, now that I think of it, maybe there is a purpose for them. Maybe they are little God winks, just to remind me that I am not in control. Maybe they are to remind me not to rely on my own strength, but His.
Today at 3:30, I will walk into the West Texas Cancer Center to see my local oncologist. I know that God is in control and that everything is going to be fine. But this time, if those little butterflies show up, I am going to thank God for them and pray for His strength and courage.
"Cast your cares on The Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." (Psalm 55: 22.)
Deep in my being, I am completely assured that I have given my health and my life to the Almighty God. With all my mind, body and soul, I believe that I am going to be OK. My study on Waldenstrom's Macroglobulinemia has assured my intellectual being that I can live a long life with my crazy blood. My physical being is strong and healthy. In fact, one of my doctors told me, "You are the healthiest looking sick lady I've ever seen!" My spirit is calm and at peace with my present and my future with cancer. God, my doctors, and I have got this!
I have read and prayed all of the promises in scripture. "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5: 7.) "When I am afraid, I will trust in you." (Psalm 56: 3.) "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4: 6 - 7.)
But those darn butterflies! I feel like a complete failure when they arrive. Earlier in the week, I got in the car to go in for my monthly lab work. I told my husband that there was no need for him to go with me this time. Lo and behold, a half a mile down the road, the butterflies showed up. I called him and said, "I was wrong about not needing you this time. This is going to be difficult."
When I think of all the doctor visits in my future, I sure wish those butterflies would disappear. But, you know, now that I think of it, maybe there is a purpose for them. Maybe they are little God winks, just to remind me that I am not in control. Maybe they are to remind me not to rely on my own strength, but His.
Today at 3:30, I will walk into the West Texas Cancer Center to see my local oncologist. I know that God is in control and that everything is going to be fine. But this time, if those little butterflies show up, I am going to thank God for them and pray for His strength and courage.
"Cast your cares on The Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." (Psalm 55: 22.)
Monday, April 1, 2013
MY! HOW TIME FLIES
What is it about time? There is never enough of it. Sometimes it passes too slowly. At other times, we wish for just a bit more of it. Time waits for no man. What time is it? Do I have time to do that? This is the longest day of my life! My, how time flies!
I spent forty-two years of my life in public schools where time is calculated down to the second and the passing of time is announced by the sound of a bell. Not a quiet tinkling bell, but a loud blast of a siren that they call a bell. First period actually began at 8:38 and ended at 9:42! Who thinks like that? I became quite an expert at timing lessons and rehearsals right down to the bell.
Three years ago, I retired from public school teaching. I knew that retirement would bring about changes in my life, but one adjustment I had not anticipated was the lack of structure due to the absence of "the bell." The passing of time seemed different outside the school setting. Hours and minutes and seconds no longer seemed so definite. I could sit down and start on a project and look up and realize that time had gone by absolutely unnoticed. It seemed that I was freed from the restraints of the clock.
I heard a radio broadcast by Joni Eareckson Tada recently. She described her encounter with Kim, a young woman who was living her last days. Kim told Joni that she felt worthless because she was bedridden and barely even able to communicate. Joni (a wheelchair bound quadraplegic) advised her to think about time in God's terms. "For a thousand years in your sight are but as yesterday when it is past or as a watch in the night." (Psalm 90:4.) "Kim, imagine this," Joni advised. "What you can accomplish in just one day on earth can have a thousand years of ramifications! Contribute in any way that you can during these days on earth. Give a smile, say thank you, pray for your loved ones, praise The Lord. Store up for yourself treasures in Heaven. Your life on earth has worth - even in the broken body in which you are living."
One day = one thousand years. A thousand years = one day. That is MY kind of math! This concept answers many questions that have burdened me lately. "God, why is life so unfair? Why do the good suffer? Why do young people have to die? Why do others continue to survive in earthly bodies when they long to begin their eternal life in Heaven with you? "
To be more specific: "Why was baby Colton born with agressive cancer? A baby? I don't understand!" "Why did my friend, Nina, suffer a devastating stroke, suffer for over a year, and then die? She was MY age, Lord! Her family needs her!" "Why did my niece's thirty year old friend go to bed one night never to awaken from her sleep? In the prime of her life. Explain that!" "My dear friend, Billie, is approaching a century on earth. She has outlived her husband, her son, her friends. She is ready to be with you in Heaven. Yet, she is still here. Why, God?" And, while we are on the subject, Lord, how about me? After following your leadership and investing my time, money, and two years worth of sweat equity in a music academy, why was I given a diagnosis of an incurable cancer? In my heart, I KNOW without a doubt that you called me into this venture. Now I am told that something growing in my body has the potential to rob me of the ability to complete the task. What would happen to the academy without me? I'm the lead teacher? Why? Why? Why?
I am reminded that God is not bound by earthly limits of time and space. He does not view time as we do. With God, time is relative. He waits patiently, while we wrestle with impatience. The apostle Peter reminded early Christians of the words of Moses: "With the Lord, a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day." (2 Peter 3:8.)
I have come to a second conclusion in regards to my "whys." Just maybe, the answers to all questions are not for my finite mind to comprehend. Acts 1: 7-8 tells us that Jesus' own disciples questioned him about the time and place that he would set up his Kingdom. "He said to them: 'It is not for you to know the time or dates the Father has set by his own authority.'" OUCH! Did Jesus actually say, "IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS?" If his own beloved disciples were not privy to all the secrets of time and space, why should I expect to understand? "For my thoughts are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9.) "Now we see only an indistinct image in a mirror, but then we will see face to face. Now what I know is incomplete, but then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known." (I Corinthians 13:12.)
My plan of action: I am doing my best to trust my moments, my days, and my years to God; the ruler of time and space. I am reassured by these words penned by the early psalmist: "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." (Psalm 139: 16.) And as for those "why?" questions . . . . I am beginning to comprehend that it is simply not my place to have all the answers. From this day on, I want to strive to make each moment count for something eternal. Joni's friend, Kim, lived only a few weeks after their conversation, but her family says that they were some of the happiest days of her life. Like Kim, I want to store up treasures in Heaven. I want to live each day doing something I love and contributing to the lives of others. I eagerly anticipate the moment when I will fly into in arms of my precious Savior to live with him throughout eternity. Now THAT, my friends, is worth waiting for. My, how time flies!
I spent forty-two years of my life in public schools where time is calculated down to the second and the passing of time is announced by the sound of a bell. Not a quiet tinkling bell, but a loud blast of a siren that they call a bell. First period actually began at 8:38 and ended at 9:42! Who thinks like that? I became quite an expert at timing lessons and rehearsals right down to the bell.
Three years ago, I retired from public school teaching. I knew that retirement would bring about changes in my life, but one adjustment I had not anticipated was the lack of structure due to the absence of "the bell." The passing of time seemed different outside the school setting. Hours and minutes and seconds no longer seemed so definite. I could sit down and start on a project and look up and realize that time had gone by absolutely unnoticed. It seemed that I was freed from the restraints of the clock.
I heard a radio broadcast by Joni Eareckson Tada recently. She described her encounter with Kim, a young woman who was living her last days. Kim told Joni that she felt worthless because she was bedridden and barely even able to communicate. Joni (a wheelchair bound quadraplegic) advised her to think about time in God's terms. "For a thousand years in your sight are but as yesterday when it is past or as a watch in the night." (Psalm 90:4.) "Kim, imagine this," Joni advised. "What you can accomplish in just one day on earth can have a thousand years of ramifications! Contribute in any way that you can during these days on earth. Give a smile, say thank you, pray for your loved ones, praise The Lord. Store up for yourself treasures in Heaven. Your life on earth has worth - even in the broken body in which you are living."
One day = one thousand years. A thousand years = one day. That is MY kind of math! This concept answers many questions that have burdened me lately. "God, why is life so unfair? Why do the good suffer? Why do young people have to die? Why do others continue to survive in earthly bodies when they long to begin their eternal life in Heaven with you? "
To be more specific: "Why was baby Colton born with agressive cancer? A baby? I don't understand!" "Why did my friend, Nina, suffer a devastating stroke, suffer for over a year, and then die? She was MY age, Lord! Her family needs her!" "Why did my niece's thirty year old friend go to bed one night never to awaken from her sleep? In the prime of her life. Explain that!" "My dear friend, Billie, is approaching a century on earth. She has outlived her husband, her son, her friends. She is ready to be with you in Heaven. Yet, she is still here. Why, God?" And, while we are on the subject, Lord, how about me? After following your leadership and investing my time, money, and two years worth of sweat equity in a music academy, why was I given a diagnosis of an incurable cancer? In my heart, I KNOW without a doubt that you called me into this venture. Now I am told that something growing in my body has the potential to rob me of the ability to complete the task. What would happen to the academy without me? I'm the lead teacher? Why? Why? Why?
I am reminded that God is not bound by earthly limits of time and space. He does not view time as we do. With God, time is relative. He waits patiently, while we wrestle with impatience. The apostle Peter reminded early Christians of the words of Moses: "With the Lord, a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day." (2 Peter 3:8.)
I have come to a second conclusion in regards to my "whys." Just maybe, the answers to all questions are not for my finite mind to comprehend. Acts 1: 7-8 tells us that Jesus' own disciples questioned him about the time and place that he would set up his Kingdom. "He said to them: 'It is not for you to know the time or dates the Father has set by his own authority.'" OUCH! Did Jesus actually say, "IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS?" If his own beloved disciples were not privy to all the secrets of time and space, why should I expect to understand? "For my thoughts are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9.) "Now we see only an indistinct image in a mirror, but then we will see face to face. Now what I know is incomplete, but then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known." (I Corinthians 13:12.)
My plan of action: I am doing my best to trust my moments, my days, and my years to God; the ruler of time and space. I am reassured by these words penned by the early psalmist: "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." (Psalm 139: 16.) And as for those "why?" questions . . . . I am beginning to comprehend that it is simply not my place to have all the answers. From this day on, I want to strive to make each moment count for something eternal. Joni's friend, Kim, lived only a few weeks after their conversation, but her family says that they were some of the happiest days of her life. Like Kim, I want to store up treasures in Heaven. I want to live each day doing something I love and contributing to the lives of others. I eagerly anticipate the moment when I will fly into in arms of my precious Savior to live with him throughout eternity. Now THAT, my friends, is worth waiting for. My, how time flies!
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