RITUXAN AND ME.......A LOVE - HATE RELATIONSHIP

     Rituxan, my friend, why can't you just go after the bad guys and leave me alone?

     Rituxan is a miracle drug that has been prescribed for the treatment of Waldenstrom's patients for the past ten years. Before Rituxan, the life expectancy for WM patients was 3 - 7 years. Today, life expectancy is not measured in years, but in decades. I thank God for this medical miracle that will keep me alive.

    With that being said, Rituxan, my friend.........why must you be so cruel?

     Last October, I received my first round of four weekly Rituxan infusions.  That initial infusion back in October was rough, but the subsequent ones became easier. My second round of prescribed infusions began yesterday. What a day it was!  A Murphy's Law day for sure!  Misery from the inability to get the IV in, to the giant fireballs called hives that covered my body. Pre-meds of benadryl, steroids, Ativan, Tylenol did little to ward off the inevitable allergic reaction. Within the first 15 minutes, the Rituxan reaction began and it was war all day long. Starting the drip, stopping the drip when the hives returned usually within only a few minutes. At the end of eight hours, only half the bag of the miracle drug was in my body. The remainder hung on the IV pole.  My physical and emotional states were in shambles!

     While Rituxan was attacking my malignant cells, my body was fighting back. Guess who was the innocent bystander????  ME!  And that's just not fair!  Silly me, I know that life isn't fair, but I just needed a moment to let out my frustrations.  I will recuperate for the next few days and start the battle again next Thursday. Back to the love - hate relationship between Kathy and Rituxan.   can endure whatever reactions are required of me, but I sure do hope the infusion is easier next time.  Please join me in prayer to that end.

     "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."  Romans 8:  28

     "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but The Lord delivers him out of them all."  Psalm 34: 19

     

     "And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and The Lord will raise him up. ". James 5: 15

    

THE RETURN OF RITUXAN

     I have been richly blessed with good health the past eight weeks.  I guess it's odd to say that when you have cancer, but it is true.  The treatment plan that my doctors have prescribed for me is working and I feel wonderful.  The first half of my treatment regimen is complete now.  I have received four Rituxan infusions and nine Velcade injections.  I had a wonderful week off for the holidays.  Tomorrow, we start the process all over again.
     I face tomorrow's infusion and injection without fear.  I have been through it before and I know what to expect.  I am very, very hopeful that the harsh side effects that I faced with the first infusion will not return tomorrow.  But, whatever happens, I know that I can face it with my Stevie on my left side and my God on my right. 
     I thank each of my readers for the prayers that you have blessed me with over the past months.  I am convinced that your prayers are being heard and answered.  And they are being felt in my heart.  So, I am packing my "chemo survival bag" to get ready for a long day tomorrow.  Please remember me with the following specific prayer requests:

          1.  Because my veins are developing scar tissue from countless needles,  pray that they will remain usable for future lab tests and infusions;
          2.  Pray that my body will accept tomorrow's drugs with minimal side effects;
          3.  Pray that the drugs will continue to do their jobs and rid my body of cancer. 

 

"...pray for one another, that you may be healed.

The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."

James 5: 16

 

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer,

believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

Mark 11: 24

 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication

with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4: 6 - 7



THE FOG HAS MOVED ON

"The fog comes

on little cat feet.

It sits looking

over harbor and city

on silent haunches

and then moves on."

Carl Sandburg

     Thanks be to God!  Kathy is back.  I have described the past month of my life as "living in a fog." My thoughts have been random and mixed-up.  Dull.  Disoriented.  My medical peeps carefully warned me about possible physical side effects of my treatment.  I wish they had included "chemo brain" in my pre-treatment education.  If someone had just warned me, I might have been better equipped to deal with the confusion and depression that been hovering over me.  

     Are you familiar with the Peanuts character "Pig-Pen?"  Poor little guy.  Wherever he goes, he is surrounded by a cloud of dirt and dust.  When he takes a deep breath to speak or sing, the dust rises all around him.  That is how I have envisioned myself this month........ followed by a dark cloud.

     October, 2013, has brought me several good days.  But most of my days have been clouded with the symptoms results from weekly chemo infusions. Add to that, the effects of the sedatives, antihistamines and steroids that make the infusions tolerable, and I have been a walking pharmacy.  All these drugs are life saving and necessary for my body, but they have not been good for my emotional and mental state!  

      I awoke last Saturday morning to an amazing miracle.  I noticed something different about my step - I had energy!  Then I observed a clearness in my thoughts.  It was as if the fog had lifted.  I was being surrounded in sunshine.  I literally shouted to Steve, "Kathy is back!"  Together, we thanked God for getting us through this dark time.  

     I spent the weekend with my family on the soccer fields.  I enjoyed watching my grandson win his first tournament.  I walked all over the field, keeping up with everybody else.  When I went to church on Sunday, I could not stop smiling.  My friends must have thought me a little crazy by my greeting, "I feel good!"  But, I think that they could see the gratitude and relief written on my face.  

     Today, I am thinking a bit more spiritually about the lifting fog.  I am reminded that God has plans for me that I cannot possibly know or comprehend.  The whys and what-if questions that plague my finite human mind will one day be answered.  I look forward to that day - when the fog is lifted and all things become clear.  

First Corinthians 13: 12

(New International Version)

"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror;

then we shall see face to face.

Now I know in part;

then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

(The Message)

"We don't yet see things clearly.  We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist.

But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!

We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us,

knowing him directly just as he knows us!"

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH A RARE CONDITION

1.  Your doctor writes down the words WALDENSTROM'S MACROGLOBULINEMIA and tells you not to worry, many people live a long time with this blood cancer.  (Hmmm...... apparently that means that many people do not live a long time........)

2.  Your doctor friend tells you that in medical school, the students nicknamed the condition "Wooly Mammoth" just so that they could remember the name.

3.  You literally spend hours saying the words one syllable at a time, until you can finally say it.

4.  You look up your cancer ribbon color and there isn't one!

5.  In the United States, approximately 1,000 cases are diagnosed each year.  On an average, three Americans in a million will be diagnosed with WM.

6.  The only way to diagnose your disease is by a bone marrow biopsy!  Never had one?  Don't ask!

7.  The best way to describe your cancer, is that is a hybrid which has similarities to multiple myeloma (a cancer of the plasma cells) and non-Hodgkin lymphoma (a cancer of lymphocytes.)  You hit the jackpot by having BOTH - a lymphoplasmacytoid.

8.  You learn that the lab cannot even perform a normal CBC on your blood.  Because of the large number of tumors in the plasma, these heavy cells must be removed for accurate lab results.  Before a blood count can be verified, the blood must be placed in a spinner.  The plasma rises to the top, is removed, and replaced by saline.  Only then, can the correct hemoglobin level be determined.  

9.  You enter the infusion center for your first treatment and 4 out of the 5 oncology nurses have never heard of your disease.  The one who has been in the business for 16 years, says she has helped TWO WM patients during her career.  During your infusion, the nurses gather around you, while you teach them about your condition.  (This does NOT add to a feeling of security and well being!)

10.  Young doctors look at you with interest and say, "Waldenstrom's Macroglobulenemia....... YOU are my first!"  True Story:  During a routine office visit, a young intern was shadowing my doctor.   As he began to question me about my treatment, he turned to the young doctor and said, "Oh, by the way, Mrs. Lollar has Waldenstrom's Macroglobulinemia."  Looking slightly confused, she uttered a polite "oh."  I began to wonder if she had ever even heard of WM.  I ask the young intern, "Have you ever heard of WM?"  She answered,  "Yes, but YOU are my first!"  She had a smile on her face.  I got the feeling that I would be a great specimen in a medical class.  As I left the doctor's office, I overheard him giving the young intern a lesson about the diagnosis and treatment of my disease.  I felt like a medical freak.

For almost nine months, I have lived with the knowledge that  a very rare invader has moved into my body - an incurable blood cancer that very few had even heard of.  The emotional ups and downs have certainly been more difficult to deal with than the physical effects until now.  Adding foreign chemicals into a body hosting a crazy disease makes for some very interesting effects.  During this time of treatment, I do not know what to expect from my body from one day to the next.   One day, I am lying in bed with fever, aches and chills.  The next day, I wake up with my eyes swollen shut.  The next day, I feel almost normal.  I try to find the humor in each situation...... laughing is so much better than crying!  I hope you've enjoyed some of my medical freak funnies.  Keep praying for me as my treatment continues.  I'm working real hard to keep the smiles coming.

"A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance;

but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken."

Proverbs 15: 13

"A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance."

Ecclesiastes 3: 4

FRI-DAY, FIGHT-DAY

In my weekly routine, FRI-DAY means FIGHT-DAY.  In my fight against malignant cells, a fresh company of warriors was brought in to battle yesterday.  I had my third injection of Velcade and my second infusion of RITUXIN.

Last week, my infusion was quite difficult.  The drip had to be stopped several times due to fever, chills, hives, more hives, more fever.  Pure misery.  By the time I arrived this morning, the oncology team had a plan in place.  This infusion was going to be easier!

I knew something was different when I walked into the infusion center and was instructed to sit in the left side of the room.  As I was nesting in my chair (blankets, books, music, headphones, etc.) I heard the conversation between my neighbor and her nurse.  I caught words like "reaction," "hives," "not going to happen this time."  I looked up at my nurse and said, "Oh, I get it!  This is the section for the SPECIAL patients, isn't it?  Both nurses smiled.  Well great!  I didn't know if I should be offended or honored.  Here I was with the "difficult" patients.  What kind of day would this be?  My neighbor told me that she is also taking Rituxin.  Her infusion reactions were similar to mine during her first infusion.  She told me not to worry because she did much better on her second infusion.  I called her my role model.

Around the corner came one of the nurses who had helped me through the worst part of the hives last week.  She looked at me and said, "I know you."  I said, "Well, you should.  You gave me enough benadryl last week to knock out a horse."  "Oh, yeah," she said, "you're the lady with the red face.  You look really different."  I said, "Yes, that's why they have me seated in the special section today."

Lots more one-liners and giggles (led by my husband, of course) and it was time for the needles.  (I still hate them, you know, but I know that they are necessary to save my life.  I have found a way to live a friendly co-existence with needles. Basically, I ignore them.)  IV inserted.  Benadryl, steriods and tylenol - the Rituxin cocktail. My sweet nurse said that we were going to let me "marinate" for about half hour before adding the Rituxin.  Hopefully the hives would be warded off by this method.  Marinate!  Here I am, the lady with the red face marinating in the "special" corner,

I made it for three hours with no problems at all.  At the three hour mark, I began to feel itching under my skin.  I asked Steve if he saw red spots, and he only saw one visible mark.  I felt as if the hives were just ready to burst forth when something new happened.  A burning pain began in my lower back.  I thought that I had pulled a muscle from sitting so long.  I got up, moved around, changed position, did everything I could, but the pain increased rapidly.  Steve went for the nurse.
She stopped the Rituxin and changed the drip to saline.  Immediately, the back pain stopped.  They sent for the doctor, who prescribed Adivan.  She explained that I still have a very high "tumor burden" and that the side effects of the infusion will lessen each time as the turmor burden decreases.  ("Tumor burden"..........I don't like that term.) We were able to complete the infusion with no temperature, no flu like symptoms and no hives.  Best of all, my new friend, "Adivan" helped me sleep through the next three hours and the infusion was completed.

I slept peacefully last night and woke up feeling refreshed this morning.  I am hopeful for a much better week this week (and so is my sweet husband, I am sure!)

Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,

and he saved them from their distress.

He sent forth his word and healed them.

he rescued them from the grave.

Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and 

his wonderful deeds for men.

Psalm 107: 19-21

RITUXAN ROUND ONE

The first Rituxan infusion was eventful.  I was given list after list of possible side effects of the drug.  I can attest to the fact that the side effect list was accurate.  I am extremely grateful that I did not suffer all the possible symptoms.  But, the reactions that I experienced during infusion followed the text book.

Two hours into yesterday's infusion, my body reacted to the monoclonal antibodies.  The unknown invaders caused my immune system to fight back.  Hosting this battle was not fun.  First, I began to notice aching and discomfort.  This was quickly followed by shortness of breath and shallow coughing.  My chest felt heavy.  I noticed that I was itching.  I looked at my chest and WOW!  I was covered with blood red splotches of rash.  I called out to Steve and he took a look at my face and I knew he was shocked.  Then I started feeling the itch.  My skin was on fire!  Steve called the nurses and the shock in their faces told it all.  (Then they started scratching themselves.  I knew I must look absolutely disgusting.)  I noticed feeling really bad.  This was explained when my temperature was checked.  Immediately, the drip was stopped and switched to saline.  For the next 90 minutes, I took tylenol for the fever.  They gave me so much benadryl that I should have been knocked out.  But, no! I was wired!  Then they gave me steroids.  Wired again.

An hour and a half later, I was given the go ahead to restart the Rituxan.  Hives and fever returned, but my breathing was not affected.  Temperature got a bit too high, so they called for the oncologist to come and check me out.  To this point, I had only received half the infusion and it was 4:00.  A decision had to be made about continuing the infusion.  My doctor expressed concern about my allergic reaction, and she suggested sending me home.  I told her that could continue the Rituxan.  I could take the itching.  She agreed to give me one more hour, but if I experienced any breathing problems, we must stop immediately.  So, the battle continued.

My nurses gave me more benadryl and an antihistamine.  The third time was the charm.  I was the last patient in the infusion center.  All the nurses watched my splotchy face and they all scratched their own faces.  4:15 - I asked the nurse to increase the drip.  She agreed.  4:30 - drip increased again.  4:30 - another increase.  Watching the drip.........watching the clock.  The magic time arrived and 15 minutes of fluid remained in the bag.  Another check with the doctor.  Both the oncologist and the nurse agreed to stay with me and we got ALL of the infusion done!  This was a huge victory for me.

It has now been over 24 hours since I left the Cancer Center.  Symptoms have come and gone all night and most of the day.  I hope to be over this by tomorrow.  They tell me that the worst reactions usually happen during the first infusion.  I pray that my body will adjust to this antibody and will accept it without the fight next time.  But, I am relieved to have these warrior antibodies in my bloodstream.  Fight away, my friends.  My body will be your host.  God will be your champion!

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart 

and my portion forever.

Psalm 73 : 26

RITUXAN, MEET THE HOLY SPIRIT!

Today is the day that I meet a new warrior, Rituxan.  Rituxan is a monoclonal antibody that targets the protein CD20, which is found on the surface of immune system B cells.  This particular protein is found on the tumor cells in Waldenstrom's patients.  The antibody attaches to the antigen and the malignant cell dies.  Because Rituxan targets only the specific protein, little damage is done to healthy cells.  This type of therapy has been used for the past ten years or so with Waldenstrom's patients.  The disease responds well to the treatment.

That is the layman's explanation of the battle that will begin in my body in just a few hours.  I study everything I can to enable this musical mind to comprehend the scientific details.  I know that my understanding is very vague, but each time I study, I understand just a little bit more.  I believe that knowledge is power and I want to understand every step of this new journey.

I believe that in all aspects of human existence, our Holy God is present.  He has sent his perfect, beloved Son, Jesus Christ, as a sacrifice for our sins.  Those who know Jesus Christ are filled with His other form, the Holy Spirit.

"The spirit is the One who is our intimate companion,

making Christ's presence real to us.

He brings us to the truth about Jesus and leads us to salvation.

He empowers us to live our daily lives.

He speaks to us.  He leads us.  

He prays for us.  He teaches us.

  He is, in fact, our Advocate in every aspect of our life.

(from Who Is The Holy Spirit? - Stonecroft Bible Studies)

Do you believe that God speaks through His children?  I certainly do.  I have received a message just this week.  A message from God, given to me in pieces from three of my friends.

• Nancy Dye Molinar is an artist, a potter, a creator.  Recently I asked her to design an original cross for my wall to remind me of my fight against cancer.  My only instruction to her was that she include a green cancer ribbon (for Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma) and a pink cancer ribbon (for my friend with Breast Cancer.)  I have inserted a picture of the cross on the right side of this post.  The message she portrayed in her creation was that of a dove (representing the Holy Spirit) flowing into my heart.  Beautiful, I thought, but I did not understand the full meaning until this week.  
• Randy McGuire is one of my dearest friends.  A tender, caring man with a heart for people and a heart for God.  Last Wednesday night before my first Velcade injection, Randy prayed a beautiful prayer for me.  I cried through most of it, but I specifically remember these words.  "As the drugs pour into Kathy's body, pour your healing spirit into her."  I have visualized this all week.  Scientific healing combined with spiritual healing.  
• Jennifer Johnson Douglas.  The student has become the teacher.  Jennifer came into my elementary music class when she was nine years old.  As a teen, she sang in my private voice studio.  Today, she is a Godly mom of two precious girls who are a part of my West Texas Music Academy piano and voice program.  Jennifer is an athlete, a runner.  Last Saturday, I saw a facebook post that took my breath away.  As she was preparing to run a half marathon, she posted that her run would be dedicated in part to me.  She planned to pray for me as she ran one of her miles.  After the run, Jennifer came to me with a message.  She said, 

"Kathy, as I ran in the cold, I received a clear message from God.

All morning, I prayed for friends and family, but something was

different when I prayed for you.  God specifically told me this:  

When the Holy Spirit fills a person, it is like a fire coming in

to cleanse the body and soul.  Picture that as the cancer drugs are

being infused into your body.  God is filling you at the same time."  

I am honored that God chose to speak to me through my friends.  I am thankful that each of them took the time to speak their messages.  My Stevie and I are about to head to the cancer center for a day full of the unknown.  I am apprehensive, but I have absolutely no fear.  I  know who goes before me.  I know who stands behind.  I will accept this infusion and will receive healing both from medical science and from the God who created it.  

"If you love me, obey my commandments.  

And I will ask the Father,

and he will give you another Advocate,

who will never leave you.

He is the Holy Spirit who leads into all truth.

The world cannot receive him,

because it isn't looking for him and

doesn't recognize him.  But you know him, because he 

lives with you now and later will be in you."

John 14:  15 - 17

UNEXPECTED SIDE EFFECTS OF TREATMENT

She called it "Chemo Class."  My sweet nurse at West Texas Cancer Center gave me a crash course last week.  With only a few minutes to prepare for my first treatment, she explained all of the side effect possibilities.  It is not a pleasant list, I can tell you!

OVERWHELMED.  APPREHENSIVE.  VULNERABLE.

After the lab results arrived on Wednesday afternoon, things moved quickly, plans were made and appointments were set.  Phone calls and emails gave me my marching orders.  A six month cycle of two different drugs were selected to be my weapons and the battle would start immediately.   Now that I think about it, I was given absolutely no choice in any of it.  No one asked me my opinion.  No one asked my permission.  But that is probably for the best.  I have done my homework, I have sought the advice of trusted medical personnel.  I have studied and learned all that I can about my blood disorder and the possible treatments.  I just skipped over the part about life expectancy, because I believe that God is in control of that.  I refuse to even be influenced by those predictions.

Eight months of watching and waiting has prepared me for this day.  It seems selfish to say this, but waiting on cancer treatment has been incredibly difficult for me and for my family.   Don't get me wrong, I know that agressive cancer treatment can be devastating.  I know that I should count my blessings for this time of waiting, and I do.  But, the mind can be very cruel to a person who knows that cancer is multiplying and that absolutely NOTHING is being done to stop it.  Satan knows that he has no claim over me, because I belong to Jesus Christ.  But, destroying my confidence and stealing my joy...... that is where he can get a powerful foothold.  And he has accomplished that on occasion.

"Watch and Wait" ended at Friday, October 4 at 3:30 p.m.  Targeted drug therapy designed to go after the malignant cells was injected into my body.  Over the weekend, I reviewed the side effects list from chemo class.  So far, so good.  I am grateful that my body has accepted the first drug with only minimal reactions.  But, I have a few recommendations to add to the list for the next chemo class.

RELIEVED.  ENCOURAGED.  EMPOWERED.

I am relieved that the wait is over.  I am encouraged because of the success history of the drugs I am taking.   I am empowered with the knowledge that malignant cells are being destroyed even now as I type these words.  Bring on the weapons.  My God, my medical team, and I have got this!

Holy Father, Jehovah Rapha, Healer.  My body is your temple and I dedicate it to you.  Use the treatments designed by your children in the medical field for my good.  Give my doctors the wisdom and vision to prescribe exactly the right treatment plan for me. Guide the drugs to pinpoint and destroy the affected cells.  Protect my healthy cells from destruction.  Empower my stem cells to flourish and transform into the healthy cells that my body needs. Protect me from undesirable side effects from treatment.  During the time of a weakened immune system, protect me from illness.  Protect my lymph system and organs from infiltration.  Prevent my condition from the possibility of transforming into a more aggressive form of lymphoma.  Please do for me what I cannot do for myself.  Bless me with energy.  Give me the ability to go about my life and career in a normal way.  Help me to never, ever take health for granted again.  Now I know how fragile life is.  In the strong name of Jesus Christ, I thank you in advance for my healing.  I will sing of your love forever.

"And since we are his children, we will share his treasures - 

for everything God gives to his Son, Christ, is ours, too.

But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering.  

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory
he will give us later."

Romans 8:  17 - 18

WATCH AND WAIT BECOMES WAR

When I wrote my last post (The Shortest Blog Entry Yet), I really had an uneasy feeling.  I have always had a strong sense of intuition and it proved itself once again.  After tracking the "magic numbers" in my blood work for the past eleven months,  I have been aware that things were changing.  For the past few weeks, I just have not felt right.  In fact, after my lab, I stopped and visited with the personnel at the infusion center to discuss my future treatment possibilities.

Although I suspected that treatment was approaching, I was not prepared for the phone calls I received two days ago.  Phone call number one revealed that the IgM (protein) level in my blood had DOUBLED in the past four weeks.  Shock!  Disbelief!  The malignant cells in my plasma had a history of gradual increase.  Suddenly the game had changed!  Within the hour, my oncologists had collaborated and a plan was made.  Phone call number two revealed the battle plan.  Chemotherapy would begin in just two days.  Even the plan was a shock.  

All these months, my Houston doctor had told me to expect a four week treatment plan when needed.  My situation changed very quickly and, unfortunately, so did my treatment plan.  I am adjusting to the idea of blood work and chemo injections every Friday for six months.  I am reading the list of possible side effects and praying that I slide through without any.  

Today, I had my first injection (in the stomach!)  Next Friday, the six hour infusions begin.  

Tonight, I relax at home with my family.  I am a bit sore at the injection site, but other than that, I feel just fine.  This is all a bit overwhelming to me right now and I feel a somewhat disoriented.  Watch and Wait was good while it lasted.  We have now gone to war.  I hope to get through this with minimal battle scars.  I pray that the drugs do their work and once again, we will Watch and Wait.  

"The Lord will fight for you; 

you need only be still."

Exodus 14: 14

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed,

for The Lord your God is with you wherever you go." 

Joshua 1: 9

SHORTEST BLOG ENTRY YET

So, here's the truth.  I HATE LAB DAY!  Four weeks out of the month, cancer and I have worked out a fairly peaceful co-existence.  But then the DAY comes and I turn into a blubbering idiot.  I wait for the "magic numbers."  The blood levels that will tell if it is time for treatment.  This month, have lost two friends to cancer - both in their 40's.  I will just say for us all.............CANCER SUX!

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of POWER and love and self-control."  2 Timothy 1 : 7.

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is The Lord your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you."  Deuteronomy 31 : 6.

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

One morning each month, I awaken with the knowledge that everything that I hold dear will be put on hold for a time.  My family, my students, my business, my errands, my home chores, everything must all be pushed aside.  For this moment of my life, nothing takes precedence over my medical appointment.  My fight against cancer is the priority of the day.  It's that time of the month.

Today is LAB DAY - the day of the month that I walk in the doors of the big medical facility that has the "C" word plastered in huge letters right across the front.  The sign on the building is a visual reminder of the enemy,  the uninvited intruder in my life.  The kind folks who work at the West Texas Cancer Center will take good care of me.  They will come up with an interesting topic of conversation to get my mind off of the needle piercing my vein, but there is just nothing about this monthly routine that is normal or pleasant.

From the moment I wake up on LAB DAY, I am reminded that malignant plasma cells are multiplying in my bone marrow and traveling my entire body through my veins.  That fluid that is created to give me life is being invaded by microscopic cells that have the power to take my life.  My body is fighting an invisible enemy and I am powerless to help.  Just believing that I have blood cancer is still difficult for me.  Thankfully, I cannot feel or see the effects of this diseases.  Numbers on a lab report - they are the only proof that I have a problem.

Today, a large quantity of my precious blood will be required for the monthly score-keeping.  How many red blood cells have managed to remain strong this month?  How much of that nasty IgM protein have the malignant cells produced?  How thick is my blood?  It is creeping up to a consistency that can be dangerous for me.  Are we there yet?  Is it time for treatment yet?  Who wins this round......... Kathy or cancer?

I just feel like whining for a moment.  I sure hate this!  Blood cancer has brought concern and financial hardships to my family.  Some days the uncertainty just makes me an emotional wreck!  For periods of time, I am simply out of commission.  I have to give myself a "time out" and that is never in my daily planner.

Then I look at my fellow cancer fighters and I feel guilty.  I have friends who are facing cancer surgery, infusions of chemotherapy, and weeks of radiation treatment..... just to survive.  And here I am waiting.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.

OK, the whining moment is over.  I am thankful that my condition is still in the "Watch and Wait" mode.  I am thankful that God has chosen to bless me with energy in the midst of anemia.  I am thankful for health care professionals who devote their lives to helping cancer patients like me.  I am grateful for a medical facility within a few miles of my home.  I am devoted to living my cancer journey out loud because I fully believe that someone who reads my simple words will be helped along their journey.

So, I should close now.  It's that time of the month and I have to get ready to go to the cancer center.  It's time to check the scoreboard.  Whatever the numbers say, God is in control, and as His child, I win!

"We also glory in our sufferings,

because we know that suffering produces perseverance;

perseverance, character;

and character, hope."

Romans 5: 3-4

"I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:13

I'D LIKE TO ORDER THE KID'S MEAL, PLEASE

"I don't know how you do it.  You've got too much on your plate!"  In my little world, I hear that observation regularly.  I'll bet that you have had the same feeling - just TOO much on your plate!  When did the portions get so overwhelming?  Family issues, business challenges, financial problems, social engagements, sports events, music lessons, church meetings.......... activities, activities, activities.

In my "cancer life," I am experiencing a lull in the action right now.  I am between monthly labs and I am feeling very well.  I cannot thank God enough for the blessing of energy that he provides for me daily.  The reality of my health is living in the back of my mind right now.  I know that the future may hold some scary times for me, but right now, all is well.  And I rest in the assurance that wherever life takes me, Jesus is already there.  I'll catch up when the time comes.  I have faith that he will be beside me every step of the way.

My "educator / entrepreneur life" has become my focus as of late.  You may of heard me say this before, but Steve and I opened WEST TEXAS MUSIC ACADEMY in obedience to God's command.  That may sound illogical, but we know beyond the shadow of a doubt that WTMA was put into our lives by divine appointment.  In our three years in business, all of our attempts to plan the workings of this business have just gone by the wayside as God has led us in unexpected directions and we have followed.

The summer of 2013 will go down in Lollar life as a time of great trial and uncertainty.  Our business nearly failed.  After a successful school year, for an "unexplained" reason, students just seemed to disappear.  Our summer vocal ensembles were cancelled due to low enrollment.  Our summer music camp program was only mildly successful.  Confused and concerned, we saw no solution, but to close down the business.  We simply could not understand why God would lead us this far only to have us close WTMA.  Our brains told us that we just could not continue pouring money into this venture, but our hearts just would not listen!  We prayed and waited.  We worried and we prayed some more.  We now see that God knew our limitations and our needs before we did.  He emptied our plates because they were about to be full to the brim.  A health crisis involving Steve's mother demanded our undivided attention for most of the summer.  There is no way that we could have handled a summer music program on top of this.  True to his promise, God provided, just enough at just the right time.  He held us through the storm and got us through to the other side.  Steve's Mom is settled and surrounded by good folks to care for her.  Fall enrollment at WTMA is booming and new students are being added every day.  God has blessed us with a few new teachers.  We are getting very close to our goal enrollment which will be the turning point for WTMA - for the first time in three years, we might just break even!  But, you know, that is our human goal - the one that limits the imagination of God.  I am just waiting for the day when God provides in such an unexpected way that we can just sit back and grin knowing that only He could do this!  Until then, we follow and obey.

My  life as "wife / mom / grandma / daughter" has never been more demanding, yet more enjoyable.  Almost always accompanied by a grand or two (or five), Steve and I go about our lives with a full house, a van load of kids, and a full plate.  When the handsome six foot two inch "Little Stevie" dances around the house and sings at the top of his lungs, I remember that he has been with us for sixteen years.  The noisy summers when he wants to be with his grandparents are not going to last forever.  When I take the 14 year old beauty to the mall to find just the perfect clothing, just the right make up, just the right hair cut, I remember that the summers of "Mamma, do I look ok?" are numbered.  Saturdays loaded with soccer games and sweaty bear hugs will come to an end eventually.  Bedtime story snuggle time with a long legged eight year old girl has become a treasure to me.  Most nights, she just says good night and that's that.

Yes,  my plate is full, sometimes to the point of insanity.  But my life is blessed beyond words.  So, I'll just keep balancing all the parts of me, knowing that God will not place more in my life than I am ready to handle.  But, every now and then, just for a break in the action, I'd like to order from the kid's meal, please.

"You can make many plans,

but the Lord's purpose will prevail."

Proverbs 19: 21

"I am trusting you, O Lord,

saying, "You Are My God!"

My future is in your hands.  

Psalms 31: 14-16

I AM WEAK, BUT YOU ARE STRONG

These cancer months have shown me one thing.  I am weak, but God is strong.  I have tried with all my strength to be strong, courageous and faithful.  It seems that no matter how sincerely I try to leave my burdens in God's hands, doubt and fear creep in and take away my joy.  The fear is so strong that I can literally hear it, see it, taste it.  It devours me.  I KNOW where the doubting comes from.  I KNOW the author of my fear.  Yet, I just can't seem to let it go.

The predicted symptoms are beginning to become a part of my life.  The ugly possibilities that I read about in medical articles are beginning to happen to me.  WM patients often have nose bleeds because the cancerous cells cause thickness in the blood.  I almost hate to share this, but my story might help someone who reads this.  This weekend, I experienced my first WM bleed.  Blood seeped from my nose for ten hours on Saturday.  Ten hours!  As I looked at the red stains on my tissue, I could "see" cancer.  As I felt the liquid dripping, I could "feel" cancer.  Flowing through my lifeblood.  Tears flowed from my eyes as the moisture flowed from my nose.  I broke down in front of my grandchildren.  I never meant to do that.  EVER!  Very, Very, disheartening.

Mighty God, my weakness, my fear, and my lack of faith are keeping me from a life of strength. Abba Father, in my weakness, give me the courage to lay it all at your feet.  Keep me free from the evil one who urges me to pick up my burdens and take them back.  You are more powerful than he. You are more powerful than my problems.  You are more powerful than cancer.

Starting over today.  God, help me to be able to give my burdens to you.  You are my refuge and strength.  You are always there for me in times of trouble.  When earthquakes come, mountains crumble into the sea, or when cancer strikes.....You are at my right hand.....you take the force of the blow.  Help me to live in the calm center.  Your promise never changes.  I don't have to be strong, just faithful.  Help me to take your peace with me into the most difficult of days.  I love you, Lord. Help me to "be still."  Help me to "fear not."

"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.
I quit focusing on the handicap and
began appreciating the gift.
It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.
Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer,
these limitations that cut me down to size - abuse, accidents,
opposition, bad breaks.
I just let Christ take over!
And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

2 Corinthians 12:  9 - 10  The Message

Follow this link to view Selah singing "I Look To You."
http://youtu.be/-vSDhJ0LAm8

IS IT OK TO BE ANGRY?

Today, I just want to shout that I am PISSED OFF AT CANCER!  In my own distinctively OCD manner, I will list the reasons why:

1.  I am developing symptoms.  I had a three hour nose bleed today (WM patients seep blood from the nose and even the eyes (gross) as a result of hyperviscocity (thickening of the blood.)  PISSED!

2.  Blood work again this week.  Tired of it.  Angry with it.  Leave me alone!  PISSED!

3.  My friend suffering from Multiple Myeloma (Waldenstrom's equally evil cousin) is facing surgery to remove a mass and possibly radiation therapy.  Our prayer is that the cancer is contained.  PISSED!

4.  A dear friend in Odessa just discovered that she has breast cancer.  On July 25, things in her life were fine.  On July 26, her world turned upside down.  PISSED!

5.  My best friend in Round Rock has already completed surgery and treatment for breast cancer.  Major drug therapy for a long, long time to ward off the enemy.  PISSED!

6.  Another friend in Odessa, stage 4 cancer in the brain.  Treatable.  Incurable.  PISSED!

7.  Another friend in Odessa, cancer has infiltrated her entire body.  She is tired.  She is ready.  PISSED!

8.  My brother in law.  Colo-rectal cancer.  Three surgeries.  Several rounds of chemo.  PISSED!

Dear Lord,  Is it ok for me to be angry?  I think you understand.  I AM angry.  Angry for me.  Angry for my family.  Angry for my friends.  Angry for their families.  Cancer is evil.  Cancer is strong.  But not as strong as you.  You are the God over cancer.  Give us hope.  Give us faith.  Give us successful treatment.  Give us cures.  Miraculous cures; medical cures; heavenly cures.

"My grace is sufficient for you,

for my power is made perfect in weakness."

2 Corinthians 12 : 9

DISAPPOINTMENT

The emotion of the day:  disappointment.  Not panic, not despair, not fear - just disappointment.  My crazy blood is getting crazier and I am powerless to stop it.

I have lived with the diagnosis of blood cancer for five months.  I have read everything I can get my hands on about dealing with cancer - both the physical and the emotional aspects.  Well meaning friends have given me sincere advice about living life with cancer and I think I have tried it all.

I will call those first days after diagnosis the "DEPRESSION AND FEAR PERIOD."  Dark, ugly days.  I do not want to go there again.

Then came the "TOTALLY CONFUSED AND DISPLACED ERA."   For weeks, I could not concentrate.  I could not complete a task. Disorganized days of Attention Deficit Disorder in a brain that had never experienced it before.

Next came the "HAVE ENOUGH FAITH TO EARN HEALING PHASE."  Although I had never really believed that God hands out blessings in direct relationship to a person's faith, I followed the advice of lots of good friends and learned about that line of reasoning.  Many folks find comfort in that theology, but something about earning healing by works just does not sit right with me. I completely believe that our God is a God of healing, I also believe that He loves his children unconditionally and that thankfully, I do not have to earn his mercy.  He has a plan for me whether it includes miraculous healing, medical healing, or heavenly healing.

The past few months have been the "FORGET ABOUT CANCER AND LIVE YOUR LIFE DAYS."  This has worked very well for me.  Weeks have gone by that cancer has not even entered my mind.  How nice these days have been.  A friend of mine (also a blood cancer fighter) advised me to go about my business and the doctors will tell me when it is time to be concerned.  Well, darn it! The doctors told me that this week. The news has hit me like a ton of bricks.  

With a disease like Waldenstrom's, constant monitoring of the blood is necessary.  Each month, we check my hemoglobin levels to track the progress of the anemia that is a by-product of the cancer. As expected, these numbers have fluxuated up and down.  But, generally they are staying at a safe level.   Most importantly, my energy level is good.  (The doctors keep asking me "How are you feeling?.... Are you tired?....Do you have difficulty getting through the day?"  Thank God, I am doing well in those areas, but I just keep wondering when the predicted fatigue is going to hit me. What will I do then?)

This month I had my first complete myeloma panel since the original diagnosis. The numbers provide an illustration of the reproduction rate of the malignant plasma cells.  That is where the disappointment comes in.  The numbers are changing.  They are heading in the wrong direction.  I wonder why I can't feel that?  Numbers on a lab chart are the only signs that I have a problem.  It is all just surreal.  The IgM number is increasing, which means, the bad cells are busy reproducing.  The viscosity number is rising which indicates that my blood is getting thicker because of the increase in malignant cells. If change continues at this rate, treatment is a few months down the road.

When I saw my doctor in Houston back in February, he assured me that it could be years, even decades, before I would need treatment.  Apparently, that is not going to happen for me.  The indolent cancer in my body has taken a growing spell.  His words to me this week, "Well, it looks as if you may need treatment sooner than later.  I will reserve judgement until we get the next round of lab results."

DISAPPOINTMENT:
That is the only word to describe my emotional state as of now.  

GRATITUDE:
The medical world has provided me with a myriad of treatment
possibilities that will keep this disease in check.
NERVOUSNESS:
More needles; infusions of toxic chemicals into my body; physical discomfort.
TRUST:
 I know that through it all, God has a plan for me.  I know that this world is not my home and that one day, I will live with Him, free of cancer. Until then, I am determined to enjoy my life,  and fight the disease.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 
who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8: 28

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways,
and My thoughts than your thoughts.  
Isaiah 55: 9

TAKE ME OVER

"Jesus, Jesus, take me over now,

I surrender.

Everything I have, I lay it down,

all of me."  

Father, God, isn't that the center of the matter?
Doesn't that cover it all?

Jesus, I surrender to you my thoughts, my words, my heart, my mind, my relationships with family and others, my finances, my business, my health, my plasma, my red blood cells, my anemia, my music, my teaching, my stewardship, my witness.  Have I left out anything?  I lay it down.........All of me.  

You are my solid rock.  You are my provider.  You are my comforter. You are my creator.  You are my healer.  You are worthy of my praise.  You are worthy of my thankfulness.  You are faithful, you never change.  You have made many promises to me:  Promises to prosper me and not to harm me.  

I surrender all.  I am yours.  Use me.  Envelope me with your spirit. Take all of me.

"All to Jesus I surrender, 

all to him I freely give.

I will ever love and trust him,

in his presence daily live."

"So then, my friends, because of God's great mercy to us,
 I appeal to you.

Offer yourselves to God,
 dedicated to his service and pleasing to him. 

This is the true worship that you should offer.  

Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world,

but let God transform you inwardly by a

complete change of your mind.

Then you will be able to know the will of God,

what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect."

Romans 12:  1 - 2

The following link will take you to YouTube.  You will hear Michael W. Smith's "Take Me Over."
"TAKE ME OVER" by Michael W. Smith

(Lyrics:  "Take Me Over" by Michael W. Smith.  "I Surrender All" by J.W. Van Deventer.)

WHEN IT RAINS.........

I love rain!  Every drop on this parched desert called West Texas is welcomed.  As of this writing, it is Independence Day, July 4.  Odessa temperatures are in the 80's with clouds and occassional rain.  What an unusual and unexpected blessing.  When it rains, my heart rejoices.

In the midst of this beautiful day, I am reminded of the old saying, "when it rains, it pours."  This phrase usually describes times when things just seem to fall apart on multiple fronts. To me, it seems that for the past few weeks, it has been pouring!  Really pouring!

Sometimes I believe that I can ride out the storm.  At other times, I feel that I am drowning.  For this moment in time, I am coming up for air, with the knowledge that the next wave is just around the corner. Just taking a breather before the next round of waves.

No memorable literary contribution from me today.  No humorous quips. No words of wisdom or spiritual insight.  Just the lyrics of a very meaningful song by Casting Crowns.  May these words comfort you during your storms.

PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM

(excerpts)

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen",

and it's still raining.

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

and takes away.

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm.  

Be strong and courageous.  
Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 

for the LORD your God goes with you;

he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31 : 6

THE SANDWICH GENERATION: WHERE IS MY WELCOME LETTER?

God's faithfulness endures through all generations.

Psalm 100: 5

I will never forget how I felt when I opened the mailbox and found my "WELCOME TO THE 50+ CLUB" letter.  You may know the one I mean...... it's that RUDE invitation to send in your membership to the A.A.R. P.  (Young 'uns, that means American Association of Retired Persons.) For me, the hardest part of receiving "the letter" was that it arrived six months before my 50th birthday.  Forty nine and counting! I did not need that "you are approaching senior citizen land" reminder. Completely uncalled for! The letter arrived seven years ago, and I have still not responded. It's just a matter of principle.

I don't know of a welcome letter that comes to announce the next phase of life, but Steve and I have definitely been inducted into the club.  Any day now, I expect to check the mail and retrieve our "WELCOME TO THE SANDWICH GENERATION" letter.  I am sure that my fellow "boomer" readers understand the concept.

ABOUT ME:  Sometimes I look into the mirror and I do not recognize the reflection staring back at me.  Not that it's a bad image, it's just a different one.  Something about the sagging skin, the wrinkles here and there, the silver strands in the hair.  I expect to see the thin face framed with long wavy hair, but I can't find that face anywhere. Especially the THIN part!

ABOUT OUR PARENTS:  Steve and I are blessed to enjoy the company of three living parents.  I was fortunate to be the child of an extremely young couple.  My Mom and Dad were just 20 and 18 when I was born.  What a joy my young parents have been to me.  My tour guides on this life journey, Mom and Dad have walked the road just before me.  I have followed in their footsteps and our relationship has been very close.  Lately, I have watched them face the obstacles of aging and I know that my turn is coming up.  I realize that I am right behind them in this life journey.

The past few weeks for Steve have been happy / sad.  His mother has reached the point that living independently is no longer an option.  For several years, we have known that the day would come when alternative living arrangements would have to be made.  We have come to the realization that the time for change is now.  We have found the senior facility that we believe is best for her.  We dreaded having this discussion with her, but Steve's mom seems to understand that the move is in her best interest.  In and out of reality, she knows that she is about to relinquish her independence.  She mourns for this loss.  But at the same time, she seems relieved that she will have others to care for her needs on a full time basis.  Steve has spent many hours helping her go through her belongings.  For him, it has been a very precious time.   She has reviewed her life through her photos, books, momentos.  Steve has guided her through the process. Next week, we make the big move.

ABOUT OUR CHILDREN:  For over three decades, Steve and I have treasured our two daughters. They have blessed us with five biological grandchildren and five grands of the heart.  Our hearts are filled with love and devotion to all of our kiddos.  Both of our daughters are hard working single moms.  They are bright, educated, and self motivated women.  But, they are simply not paid what they are worth.  And dead-beat dads, I won't even go there!  When our grands need something, Mamma Kathy and Pappa Steve will provide.  That's the way it is.  That's the way it will continue to be as long as we have the means.  Which brings me to the next part of the story...............

ABOUT HOMESCHOOLING:  When our grands need something, Mamma Kathy and Pappa Steve will provide.  In the case of our oldest grandson, it appears that completing high school through Texas Tech University Independent School District is our best option.  Our handsome six foot two young man has been the "son of our hearts" since he breathed his first breath.  (Guess who cut the umbilical cord........ ME!)  He has tried his best to conform to the expectations of public schools.  His ADHD and touch of dyslexia has made this a miserable task for him and a frustration for us.  So, in the fall, Mamma Kathy becomes a high school teacher.  We are going to get these last eleven credit hours together...... me and my boy!  English and History classes, we got that!  But, Algebra 2 and Physics, I will gladly outsource to a tutor.  I refuse to even open the books!  A grandmother's love can only go so far!

ABOUT "CLUB SANDWICH":  Steve and I are members of the club whether we like it or not!  We are blessed to be the generation in between.  With our parents in front of us, and our children behind us, we are surrounded by love and devotion to each.  All of the love that we pour out to our loved ones is returned to us by them. Our shoulders are strong because they are strengthened by Almighty God. We are ready for the task that faces us.  We covet your prayers for patience, for wisdom, for health, for discernment, for financial means, and for a few minutes each day to be a couple and enjoy each other's company.  We are "paying it forward" as they say.  We are grooming a quiver of younger ones to take care of us someday - when they become inducted to THE SANDWICH GENERATION.  "May all who come behind us find us faithful"  (Steve Green.)

You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need,

his generosity exceeding even yours

in the glory that pours from Jesus.

Philippians 4: 19-20

Along unfamiliar paths I will guide you;

I will turn the darkness into light before you

and make the rough places smooth.

These are the things I will do -

I will not forsake you. 

Isaiah 42: 16

TWO ROADS DIVERGED

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear,

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay 

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!  

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.  

     I remember hearing my Daddy say that God should have a long distance phone line.  That way, when a difficult decision had to be made, we could just drop a dime in the heavenly phone booth and ask directions.  I was young when I heard those words and I really did not understand the concept.  I just thought it was funny to think of God using a telephone.

     Steve and I are facing some challenges and tough choices are around the corner.  Nothing regarding health issues, but some really difficult decisions about future plans.  Do you ever diligently pray and wait on a sign and the answer just seems not to appear?  I think I know the answer to that question already.  I know that all of us feel that way at times.  That is where we stand right now.

     It seems as if two paths are before us and the choice of which to take just is not clear.  We are confused.  We are disappointed.  We feel completely defeated.  But, we know that God has a plan.  We just wish that the answer would come soon.  We long for direction as clear as those in the days of Moses when God spoke through a burning bush.  Or maybe instructions through a dream the way He spoke to Samuel.  Perhaps Steve and I are so dense that He needs to use Balaam's donkey to give us direction.

     Lord God, guide our choices and show us the path that we should take.  We want to act in accordance to your plans for our lives. We will follow You and that will make all the difference!

Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths.

Lead me in your truth and teach me, 
for you are the God of my salvation;

for you I wait all the day long.

Psalm 25:  4 - 5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not rely on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3: 5 - 6

WAIT FOR THE LORD

"I just LOVE to wait patiently"......said no human being......ever!  

 When I was born, the world received a 100% type 'A' personality.  Ever the doer, the organizer, the  go-getter, the manager, I planned my life down to the minute.  As I look back, I wonder how many minutes of my life I actually wasted in those endeavors, but I lived that way and it worked for me.

Until blood plasma cancer made its presence known.  

If you've never experienced a cancer diagnosis (and I pray that you never do) the emotional response to the knowledge of poison in your body can be as devastating as the physical.  Throughout the past six months, I have endured depression that has kept me from leaving my bedroom.  I have kept this a secret until now.  I have covered up my absence by telling family and friends, that I've been really busy working at home.  Panic and anxiety are not new to me.  These evil companions have followed me around for many years.  But never at the level of their presence now.  When I allow my mind to wander into the possibilities of future chemotherapy and bone marrow transplants, panic hits me at a level I've never experienced before.  

The doctors tell me that we are in the Watch and Wait  Period.  (Known to many cancer fighters as the Watch and Worry Period.)  No treatment has been prescribed.  I have been told to go about my daily life and forget about the condition.  I have the knowledge that one quarter of the plasma cells in my bone marrow are malignant and we are doing absolutely nothing about it.  That is much more difficult than I expected!  Every time I forget, I come across a well meaning friend who asks me, "How are you doing?"  "Fine!" is my first response.  Then I see that look in their eyes and it reminds me that I have cancer.  I know that look.  I have given that look before.  It's a look that says, "Oh, I know that you have the 'C' word!  I am so sorry.  You scare me.  If you have it, I wonder if I might get it some day."  As soon as I detect "the look," the panic strikes me.  I know that it is the work of the evil one, but I am telling you, that guy has some power!  

Every month, like clockwork, I visit the lab at the cancer center.  If I have managed to forget about the diagnosis, walking into that clinic brings me face to face with my new reality!  Sitting next to fighters awaiting treatment; watching caregivers wheel in their diseased loved ones; witnessing the gray complexions and the balding heads of weary warriors, I remember!  Each month, my lab results get better and better.  Then I fall on my face and thank God for blessing this girl of wavering faith.  

 Although I am a reluctant student, God is teaching me about faith during this time.  You can read about faith, study about faith, quote scriptures about faith, but until you EXPERIENCE total helplessness, faith is just a concept.  God is giving me a time to test my faith, a time to learn to rest in His promises.  I am learning to depend upon Him and I am waiting somewhat patiently.  I pray that I will be transformed during this waiting period - not just in a physical way, but in a spiritual way.  I am doing my very best to rely on Almighty Jehovah Rapha, the healer, who holds me by his righteous right hand.  I pray that I will learn to live confidently in the assurances of His promises.  I long to become a mature faith walker.  I know beyond a doubt that God will use this time for my good.  I don't need to know what the future holds for me.  Jesus is already there.  We will walk that path together.  For now, we WAIT! 

"I remain confident of this:  I will see the goodness of The Lord in the land of the living [in this life.] 

WAIT for The Lord; be strong and take heart and WAIT for The Lord."  Psalm 27:  13 - 14.

DEDICATION

I write out my prayers. Not all of them.....during the day, my conversation with God is on-going. But I enjoy giving my imagination and my pen freedom during my prayer time. I go back and read my prayers again and again with fresh eyes. Each time I speak the words to The Lord, I nenew my commitment.

On New Year's Eve, 2012, I renewed my promise to walk with God in my daily life and dedicated the new year to Him. When I wrote these words, I had never heard of Waldenstrom's Macroglobulinemia, I had never had a bone marrow biopsy, and cancer was known as the "C" word! I had no idea what the new year would hold for me. What a difference four months makes!

In reviewing my December prayer, I find that the promises of God have held firm, the nearness of the Holy Spirit has given me peace, and the love of Jesus Christ has carried me through some very scary situations. I share these words in the hopes that you will be inspired and blessed.

"Dear Lord, tomorrow marks the beginning of 2013. I dedicate this year to You, Lord Jesus. Let this be the year of my life that I stay close in your presence. Help me to be still and know. Help me to study myself as a workman. Help me to trust in the Lord and acknowledge Him. Help me to hide in the refuge of your wings. Help me to continually ask, seek, and knock. Help me to go into all the world. Help me to do for the least of these. Give me love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. Give me the traits that will cause my children to rise up and call me blessed. Father, into your hands I commend my life in 2013. Take it and see that it is good."

FEARLESS HEART

In my ideal world, this post would open like this: "Hello everybody, I just want to tell you that I have reached a point of complete trust in God. I no longer worry about things over which I have no control. I am at peace with my blood disorder, I have total faith that this disease will not progress and that I will live a life free of chemotherapy and bone marrow transplants. Anxiety and fear are no longer a part of my life! I have arrived!"

Back to the real world. Yesterday was a terrible day! I read about a Waldenstrom's survivor who is ten years younger than me. He was diagnosed seven years ago. When I began reading his story, I was happy to learn of someone else with crazy blood. Maybe we would have something in common. Perhaps his story would help me in my journey. That did NOT happen! His story was dark and depressing. Poor guy. He has already reached the final stage of therapy, the bone marrow transplant. He is in remission now, but is quick to say that it is just a matter of time before the disease becomes active again. He told his twin daughters, "Even when I am not with you, I am with you."

I quickly decided that reading this story would not be beneficial to me. I put the article away, but not before the spirit of fear was planted in my brain. All day long, Rational Kathy explained to Emotional Kathy that this was his story, not mine. All day long, the battle between the Kathys continued, and I am sure you can guess who won! Logic and intellect didn't have a chance when the panic and anxiety took over. That fight or flight instinct is very powerful in this girl. I can't tell you how much I hate that!

The entire day was spent on a see-saw. I put my fear in God's hands....... I took it back. Gave it back to God..........picked it up again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I broke down in front of some girlfriends. Note to self: NEVER do that again! One friend advised, "Just pretend you don't have cancer." REALLY? But I DO have cancer. Another friend spent an hour telling me about people who had been healed of their illnesses. She encouraged me to demand healing in the name of Jesus. But the secret to success is faith. You will only be healed if you have complete faith. I DO have faith, but I'm still scared. I know that God has the power to heal. I also know that thousands of people die of cancer. I don't know how to DEMAND healing from God. I don't know how to have that kind of faith. Even Jesus asked his Father, "Let this cup pass from me." For the good of humanity, God had other plans for His own son. I left that conversation feeling like a complete failure. Remnants of fear followed me all day. By dinner time, I was exhausted. Completely spent. I went to bed before dark and slept all night.

Today, I start fresh. I begin the day by writing, singing, and reading the word. I pray that God will give me a fearless heart today. My intellect understands Waldenstrom's Macroglobulinemia - at least as much as a layman possibly can. I've done my homework. I also know that I am experiencing the blessing of good health in the midst of the chaos in my blood.

So, I start today by asking God's forgiveness for doubting. I am asking Him to give me freedom from a spirit of fear. I am praying for a blessing on my marrow: I am asking Him to multiply my red blood cells and destroy malignant plasma. Most of all, I am giving Him the glory for all the good in my life. No matter where the future leads me, I know that He will walk beside me. I know that I can be strong and courageous because of Christ living in me. I rejoice in the knowledge that every step on earth brings me one step closer to an eternity in Heaven. I pray that God will give me the courage to take every step with a fearless heart.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7.

"Don't be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

"For I am The Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13.

BUTTERFLIES

Let's talk about butterflies.  Not the beautiful creatures that fly around flowers.  But the kind that have a party in my tummy every single time I get in my car to see my oncologist.  No matter how much I pray them away, they just seem to enjoy tormenting me.

Deep in my being, I am completely assured that I have given my health and my life to the Almighty God.  With all my mind, body and soul, I believe that I am going to be OK.  My study on Waldenstrom's Macroglobulinemia has assured my intellectual being that I can live a long life with my crazy blood.  My physical being is strong and healthy.  In fact, one of my doctors told me, "You are the healthiest looking sick lady I've ever seen!"  My spirit is calm and at peace with my present and my future with cancer.   God, my doctors, and I have got this!

I have read and prayed all of the promises in scripture.  "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5: 7.)  "When I am afraid, I will trust in you."  (Psalm 56: 3.)  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  (Philippians 4:  6 - 7.)

But those darn butterflies!  I feel like a complete failure when they arrive.  Earlier in the week, I got in the car to go in for my monthly lab work.    I told my husband that there was no need for him to go with me this time.  Lo and behold, a half a mile down the road, the butterflies showed up.  I called him and said, "I was wrong about not needing you this time. This is going to be difficult."

When I think of all the doctor visits in my future, I sure wish those butterflies would disappear.  But, you know, now that I think of it, maybe there is a purpose for them.  Maybe they are little God winks, just to remind me that I am not in control.  Maybe they are to remind me not to rely on my own strength, but His.

Today at 3:30, I will walk into the West Texas Cancer Center to see my local oncologist.  I know that God is in control and that everything is going to be fine.  But this time, if those little butterflies show up, I am going to thank God for them and pray for His strength and courage.

"Cast your cares on The Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."  (Psalm 55: 22.)

MY! HOW TIME FLIES

What is it about time?  There is never enough of it.  Sometimes it passes too slowly.  At other times, we wish for just a bit more of it.  Time waits for no man. What time is it?  Do I have time to do that?  This is the longest day of my life!  My, how time flies!

I spent forty-two years of my life in public schools where time is calculated down to the second and the passing of time is announced by the sound of a bell.  Not a quiet tinkling bell, but a loud blast of a siren that they call a bell.  First period actually began at 8:38 and ended at 9:42!  Who thinks like that?  I became quite an expert at timing lessons and rehearsals right down to the bell.

Three years ago, I retired from public school teaching.  I knew that retirement would bring about changes in my life, but one adjustment I had not anticipated was the lack of structure due to the absence of "the bell."  The passing of time seemed different outside the school setting.  Hours and minutes and seconds no longer seemed so definite.  I could sit down and start on a project and look up and realize that time had gone by absolutely unnoticed. It seemed that I was freed from the restraints of the clock. 

I heard a radio broadcast by Joni Eareckson Tada recently.  She described her encounter with Kim, a young woman who was living her last days.  Kim told Joni that she felt worthless because she was bedridden and barely even able to communicate.  Joni (a wheelchair bound quadraplegic) advised her to think about time in God's terms.  "For a thousand years in your sight are but as yesterday when it is past or as a watch in the night."  (Psalm 90:4.)  "Kim, imagine this," Joni advised. "What you can accomplish in just one day on earth can have a thousand years of ramifications!  Contribute in any way that  you can during these days on earth.  Give a smile, say thank you, pray for your loved ones, praise The Lord.  Store up for yourself treasures in Heaven.  Your life on earth has worth - even in the broken body in which you are living."

One day = one thousand years.  A thousand years = one day.  That is MY kind of math!    This concept answers many questions that have burdened me lately.  "God, why is life so unfair?  Why do the good suffer?  Why do young people have to die?  Why do others continue to survive in earthly bodies when they long to begin their eternal life in Heaven with you? "

To be more specific:  "Why was baby Colton born with agressive cancer? A baby?  I don't understand!"  "Why did my friend, Nina, suffer a devastating stroke, suffer for over a year, and then die?  She was MY age, Lord!  Her family needs her!"   "Why did my niece's thirty year old friend go to bed one night never to awaken from her sleep? In the prime of her life.  Explain that!"  "My dear friend, Billie, is approaching a century on earth.  She has outlived her husband, her son, her friends.  She is ready to be with you in Heaven.  Yet, she is still here.  Why, God?"   And, while we are on the subject, Lord,  how about me?  After following your leadership and investing my time, money, and two years worth of sweat equity in a music academy, why was I given a diagnosis of an incurable cancer? In my heart, I KNOW without a doubt that you called me into this venture.  Now I am told that something growing in my body has the potential to rob me of the ability to complete the task.  What would happen to the academy without me?  I'm the lead teacher?  Why? Why? Why?

I am reminded that God is not bound by earthly limits of time and space.  He does not view time as we do.  With God, time is relative.   He waits patiently, while we wrestle with impatience.  The apostle Peter reminded early Christians of the words of Moses:  "With the Lord, a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day."  (2 Peter 3:8.)

I have come to a second conclusion in regards to my "whys."  Just maybe, the answers to all questions are not for my finite mind to comprehend.  Acts 1: 7-8 tells us that Jesus' own disciples questioned him about the time and place that he would set up his Kingdom.  "He said to them: 'It is not for you to know the time or dates the Father has set by his own authority.'"  OUCH!  Did Jesus actually say, "IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS?"  If his own beloved disciples were not privy to all the secrets of time and space, why should I expect to understand?  "For my thoughts are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."  (Isaiah 55:8-9.)  "Now we see only an indistinct image in a mirror, but then we will see face to face.  Now what I know is incomplete, but then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known."  (I Corinthians 13:12.)

My plan of action:  I am doing my best to trust my moments, my days, and my years to God; the ruler of time and space. I am reassured by these words penned by the early psalmist:  "You saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book.  Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."  (Psalm 139: 16.)  And as for those "why?" questions . . . . I am beginning to comprehend that it is simply not my place to have all the answers.  From this day on, I want to strive to make each moment count for something eternal.  Joni's friend, Kim, lived only a few weeks after their conversation, but her family says that they were some of the happiest days of her life.  Like Kim, I want to store up treasures in Heaven.  I want to live each day doing something I love and contributing to the lives of others. I eagerly anticipate the moment when I will fly into in arms of my precious Savior to live with him throughout eternity.  Now THAT, my friends, is worth waiting for.  My, how time flies! 

BREAKING FOR SPRING

Spring Break week has come and gone - what an unusual week for me.  With my studio closed and my grandkids out of town, my list of errands and chores for the week seemed endless.  Kathy the list-maker, Kathy the over-achiever, Kathy the accomplisher, had the entire week of duties mapped out.  Oh my!  Was this house going to shine!  And the yard, new flowers would be planted and a fresh coat of paint would cover the tired, old winter drab.  My business would re-open on Monday with everything in place, activities organized, and performances arranged.

I can relate to Luke's story of Jesus visiting in the home of his friends, Martha and Mary.  Martha set out to make things perfect for those who were guests in her home.  She was so distracted by her tasks that she could not see the more important things right in front of her.  Mary, on the other hand, preferred to sit at the feet of Jesus and cling to His every word.  In Martha's frustration to get things done, she asked Jesus, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her to come and help me."  Jesus lovingly answered, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing.  Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her."

Poor Martha.  The house was full of guests.  They would be hungry soon.  If she did not prepare a meal, who would?  I totally get it!  I wonder how many golden moments I have missed in my quest to  get everything just right.  I wonder if sweet Martha ever considered that the man who was teaching in her very home was the same man who fed the multitudes with just a bit of fish and bread?

And then there was Mary.  Quite a visionary by the standards of the day.  While her sister prepared the meal for the men, as any good Jewish girl was expected to do, she  chose to to sit with the men and glean from Jesus' teaching.  Wow!  In that day, girls were not even allowed to learn to read the Torah.  Yet, this particular day, this particular girl learned from the Master himself.  Jesus was well known for disregarding accepted traditions and rules.  To our Lord, this woman had just as much right to enter into the discussion as did the men.  Jesus' words fed Mary in a way that physical food could not.

Concentration has been difficult for me the past few months.  I feel very scattered and disorganized.  I start on a project and before I realize it, something else attracts my attention and I go in a completely different direction.  For over half a century, my Martha personality has kept my household, my family, and my career going.  But recent life changes have taught me that being still is good, even fun!  Sitting for hours reading a good book is not a waste of time.  Time spent in prayer and Bible study is much more important than time spent checking duties and errands off a list.

So,  Spring Break week has come and gone.  The house is livable, but cluttered.  The yard is mowed, and the flowers have been purchased.  Maybe I will plant them tomorrow.  And the business, Monday morning, ready or not, here we come!  This week I have spent time with my husband, I have spent time in the Word, and I have enjoyed physical rest.  Although I am struggling with just a bit of guilt, I have a big smile on my face.

"Come unto me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."  Matthew 11:28.  

WATCH AND WAIT

This week, I enjoyed a few periods of time when cancer did not enter my mind. Reaching this point was a goal I had set for myself. Prior to this week, the word "CANCER" flashed in my mind like a neon sign all day - every waking moment. A constant noise in my subconscious interrupting every thought...... "YOU HAVE CANCER, REMEMBER?" The simplest question from friends has caused me confusion. You know the question.........you hear it every day........probably say it every day. "How are you?" The normal answer, "I'm fine, thanks" doesn't seem appropriate any more. Sometimes I speak those words automatically. As soon as they leave my lips, I hear a subconscious "Fine? Really? YOU HAVE CANCER, REMEMBER?" "Oh yes, thank you for reminding me. I was trying to forget."

Watch and Wait. I have been richly blessed with the option to delay treatment for the cancer in my blood. For that, I am eternally grateful. I am doing my best to trust, to have faith, to let this go and enjoy these symptom free days. I have to admit, letting go is still a struggle for me. I KNOW God is able to heal me of this disease, but those "what ifs" just keep creeping into my mind.

I read in a cancer website that many patients refer to the "Watch and Wait" period as "Watch and Worry." I am trying so hard to not let that be me, but I have to admit, I'm guilty. I so much want to be the "Watchful Warrior," but in the blink of an eye, I can turn into the "Watchful Wimp."  I hate that worrying wimp! It seems that the battle in my brain can become more of an issue than the battle in my blood.

Lord, God, forgive your unbelieving daughter. Why would you choose to heal someone like me when I can't even trust you completely? Why do I let my finite negative thoughts overpower what I know to be true about your healing power and your love for me? I must frustrate you even more than I frustrate myself. Before I can expect a healing of my body, I must ask for a healing of my brain. Purge it of the negative thoughts and the questions that pop in without warning. I know that those thoughts are not from you. The power of Jesus Christ is stronger than the one who causes my worry. When panic and anxiety attack me, give me the faith to turn to You, faithful healer, instead. Give me the strength to refuse to walk down the path of questions and worry. Turn my fears into rejoicing. Turn my doubts into praising. Turn my struggles into resting. Turn my ailing plasma into strong, rich marrow which will carry life to every part of my body. Jehovah Rapha - The Lord Who Heals; I trust in You.

"Rejoice in The Lord always. Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ." Phil. 3: 4 - 7.