"NOW YOU KNOW HOW FRAGILE LIFE IS"

On February 17, 2003 in an Odessa delivery room, I had the honor of witnessing the birth of my grandson, Brennon.  The labor was done, the pushing was in full swing.  As a tiny head emerged, the silence of the moment was broken with the doctor's command to the nurse, "CORD!"  I touched the nurse's shoulder and asked, "What????  Did he say cord?"  At that point, things moved very quickly.  I watched in awe as this baby boy's little neck was freed from the lifeline that had kept him alive for nine months.  Soon after, my little guy began crying, but I was still stuttering from what I had witnessed, Dr. Lively's eyes raised to meet mine.  Through his surgical mask, he spoke these unforgettable words.  "Now you know how fragile life is!"  A few seconds later, we were happily counting little fingers and toes.

Days have passed;  weeks have blended into months; months into a full decade.  Once again, I have been reminded about just how fragile life is.  This time, I have come face to face with my own mortality.  My personality is that of a "fixer" of other's problems ....... suddenly I have become the one who has caused concern for myself and for those I love.  With the diagnosis of cancer, the trajectory of my life has been sent  into a spiral.

I am eternally grateful that my disease was discovered early.  Waldenstrom's macroglobulemia and I will co-exist.  My medical team and I will work hard to maintain that delicate balance that will keep me alive.  I am determined to live my life with Jesus Christ in the foreground and cancer in the background.  Thank The Lord, I am on my way to that end.

"Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow.  For what is your life?  It is even a vapor, that appears for a little time, and then vanishes away.  For you ought to say if the Lord will, we shall live."  James 4: 14-15

Now I know how fragile life is, and I am confident that I will never be the same!  

JESUS, I AM TOUCHING YOUR ROBE

Steve and I are one hour from Houston. Earlier this morning, I felt like this car was taking me to a dreaded destination. All the way down I10, my phone has been ringing with text messages and facebook messages. Prayers, songs, uplifting words, and "ladybugs" have all come my way today. And you know what? I feel as if my handsome chauffeur is driving me toward the light in the "We-Can-Kick-Cancer's-Ugly-Butt Mobile!" I have faith, hope and strength today. A friend reminded me about the woman with the "issue of blood" who touched Jesus' robe and was healed. I remember my Daddo Gregory preaching about that woman's faith. I always though it was grose that she had an "issue of blood." I'll never forget that term when I was a kid. How time changes things......... I guess you could call me a woman with an "issue of blood."

Mark 5: 25-34 tells us that Jesus was being followed by a large crowd of followers. "A woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his robe, because she thought, 'If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.' Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. At once Jesus realized that healing power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, 'Who touched my clothes?' 'You see the people crowding against you,' his disciples answered, 'and yet you can ask, 'Who touched me?' But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.'"

I am expecting a long, strong life and freedom from my blood disease. Like the faithful woman, I am seeking the best medical advice that is available. I am doing my homework to learn as much as possible about Waldenstrom's macroglobulinemia. I believe that my powerful God can use brilliant medical professionals to do the work of healing. I also believe that Jesus can provide healing just because of who He is.

Dear Jesus, this is your daughter, Kathy. I am touching your robe. I believe. I trust. I am being still. Jehovah Healer, I ask for complete restoration of my health. I will praise your name and shout your glory from the rooftops. Use me to point others to you. I give you my body - your temple. Make it clean. You, who created this great universe, surely have the power to restore my tiny blood cells. Thank you for healing me - in your time, in your way..... beginning today.

TIME FOR TRUSTING, RESTING, PRAYING

Sleep is not coming easy tonight.  My mind is wandering.  I have read the treatment options for Waldenstrom's patients and I can't stop wondering where I will fit in.    I will meet my oncologist at the M.D. Anderson Cancer Center tomorrow for a treatment plan.   I can't stop thinking about the fact that twelve hours from now, my life could take a drastic turn.  Chemotherapy, the treatment I have feared all my life, could be around the corner for me.  But, maybe I am fortunate enough to be classified as a candidate for the "watchful waiting" period.  Oh, the delay of treatment for a while would be such a welcomed relief.  A song recorded by Christian artist, Larnelle Harris, has come to mind tonight.  It is playing over and over in mind.

"It's not in TRYING, but in TRUSTING;
Not in RUNNING, but in RESTING;
It's not in WONDERING, but in PRAYING
that we find the strength of The Lord."  

I love the words that God spoke to Moses when he doubted his ability to lead the Israelites into the promised land.  Exodus 14:14 records God's promise to Moses:
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Lord, I am trying to be still.  I am trying to rest.  I am asking for your spirit of peace tonight.
I am trusting you to fight for me.  "Be still and know that I am God."  Psalm 46

A JOURNEY TO WELLNESS, POWERED BY LOVE AND PRAYER

My boys and I are spending Sunday afternoon driving across the great state of Texas. We are taking a few days to visit with friends and family on the way to Houston. We are just going to call today and tomorrow a mini-vacation. We will meet my doctor on Tuesday at noon. I have heard wonderful things about Dr. Lewis and I look forward to collaborating with him on my plan to live with Waldenstrom's macroglobulinemia. Over the past few weeks, I have done lots of reading. I plan to become an expert patient. I want to know everything that I can about my blood and the rogue plasma cells that are causing chaos in my marrow. My research has led me to believe that I am in a very early stage of this disease. Because no cure for WM has been discovered, treatment plans are based upon a lifetime of disease management. Most doctors want to postpone treatment for as long as possible. Putting off treatment is called the "watchful waiting" period. Many WM patients can remain in this pattern for several years prior to the first administration of chemotherapy. I believe that is quite likely that I might fit into the "watchful waiting" category. The symptoms that I am experiencing now are quite tolerable - more tolerable than the effects of chemo. We will wait for Dr. Lewis' decision. If treatment is needed now, then we will get started. I look forward to some answers on my journey to wellness. Friends and family, thank you for the words of love and support and for interceding for me before the Heavenly Father. I claim His promise "I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask for anything in my name and I will do it." Thank you, Lord Jesus for healing me - in your time, in your way.
Thank you: Lu Marler for giving me these words from God today.

TGIF (&TMRIRAI!) (THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY AND THE MRI RESULTS ARE IN!)

It's been a really difficult week for me. The CT scans last week showed 5 shadows on my liver. That revelation really wiped me out. I've spent hours and hours researching Waldenstrom's macroglobulinemia. I know it is an incurable disease that will be with me for the rest of my life. But my study has led me to the knowledge that WM is a very slow moving cancer that is treatable. Many people live long lives with Waldenstrom's and I believe that I am in the very early stages. I was just beginning to come to terms with living with a chronic, life threatening disease. But then Dr. Borra broke the news about the unidentified spots on my liver. I KNOW about liver cancer - that's all I will say about that. If liver cancer and WM were combined, well, I just can't even go there. This week was spent investigating the liver spots. I have called upon all the faith and courage that I have, but I just wasn't too successful at bravery this week. Every moment of every day, anxiety and fatigue seemed to suffocate me.  I asked for strength, but I had given doubt and fear a foothold and they were taking over. Blood testing on Monday (my FAVORITE!) and then a new experience on Tuesday. I had my first encounter with a massive, confining, deafening machine called MRI. Nothing about the MRI testing was physically painful. But being inside this magnetic monster really damaged my spirit. Before I entered it's cold, metal belly, the sweet MRI tech placed the "panic button" in my hand - just in case. Although I am a confirmed claustrophobic, I resolved not to touch that button. No way! We must know what is on my liver! How did I pass the time during the procedure? Singing songs in my head, of course. #1 on my mental playlist: "Whom Shall I Fear (Angel Armies.)" In my mind, I pictured the powerful God of the Universe right in front of me, beside me, and behind me. I KNEW He had my back! Then the machine started making its noises. It was like a horror film, but in the midst of the shaking, rattling and roaring, I heard a rhythmic high pitched squeak. To me, it sounded like the chirping of birds. Kathy's mental playlist selection #2: "His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me. I SING BECAUSE I'M HAPPY! I SING BECAUSE I'M FREE! For His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me." Truthfully, I wasn't really happy at that particular moment. I certainly wasn't free - I was trapped in a giant magnet! But I remembered the promise that if God provides for  the tiniest sparrow, of course He cares for me." Then came the voice of the MRI tech. "Breathe......... hold......................... breathe." (Long breath holding, I might add. My vocal training came in very handy!) God sent me song #3: "This is the air I breathe, Your Holy Presence living in me." After about a half hour inside the magnetic prison, I was released. Song #4: "Hallelujah Chorus" from the great work, Handel's Messiah. That was done, now for waiting. Seventy-two hours...... waiting.....more waiting........wondering...........imagining........Friday afternoon the phone rings. "Mrs. Lollar, we have the results of your MRI. The spots on your liver are visible, just as the CT showed, but they do not appear to be malignant!" Thanks be to almighty God! Another phone call from M.D. Anderson Cancer Center:  "Dr. Lewis can see you at noon on Tuesday." Ok! Time for a trip to Houston. Thank you God, for a very Good Friday! Let's get this show on the road!

HAVING COFFEE WITH JESUS

Welcome to my primary cancer fighting facility. This is my reading corner at home. Every morning, I have "coffee with Jesus." I am fortunate enough to have my great-grandmother's chair. Over 75 years old, this isn't the most comfortable chair in the world, but I choose it because it is fully covered by the prayers of three generations of my family heritage of praying women. My great-grandmother (Lillian LeClaire Smith), my precious Mamma (Olga Maye Smith Gregory), and the best Mom a girl could have (Billie Jo Rodenberg Gregory) all used this chair. I feel completely at peace encircled by the intercessions of these praying women. Since God is not bound by our finite limits of time and space, I know that the prayers of these women in past decades still cover me today. In my corner, I have placed all the cards and encouraging notes I have received from my friends, the blanket and teddy bear ("Hope Lollar") that was given to me by my sweet student, and a vision wall of positive phrases and scripture. My Bibles, prayer journal, devotional and Bible study materials are in the shelf next to the chair. My WM notebook containing every piece of scientific information I have found in my research about Waldenstrom's sits next to the Bibles. My health notebook (which contains all my pathology reports) lays under my prayer journal. Christian music is always playing in the background. In this chair, I feed my mind, my soul, and my heart. (And a little caffeine sure doesn't hurt!) Welcome to my world and please, keep praying for me.

I HATE THIS ROLLER COASTER! GET ME OFF!!

I think they call it the "Judge Roy Scream."  Back in 1986, Steve and I took our daughters on a family vacation to Six Flags Over Texas.  I have never been much of a roller coaster fan, but Steve and the girls thought it would be fun. The ride called for two people per car, so I had to sit with my little Natalie.  I couldn't let her sit alone on this big, scary roller coaster.  Steve and April were very excited and brave about the whole thing.  Natalie wanted to be just as brave as her big sister.  By the time she and I were belted in together, it was too late to change our minds.  The ride had begun. 

I don't remember a gentle start to this ride, one that would lull you into thinking that this was going to be relaxed, and then scare you at the first turn.   No, I remember that it started with great speed and it never let up!  Up and down, this way and that way, jerking your head around, it was difficult to know which way was up!  Although I was hating every minute of this experience,  I knew that my little girl was probably more frightened than I.  "Isn't this is awesome, Baby?  Isn't this fun?" My Mommy pep talks didn't help her at all.  I will never forget the six year old sized fingernail imprints in my hands as my little girl screamed, "I HATE THIS ROLLER COASTER!  GET ME OFF!!"

I think they call it "Cancer."  Two weeks ago, my doctor gave me unwelcomed news that has put me on the roller coaster of my lifetime.  I have never been much of a roller coaster fan, and I hate this one most of all.  I am using all my resources to adjust to my new norm, but nothing about Kathy and cancer is normal.  Sometimes, I just live above the reality.  I study the medical terminology, I read everything I can get my hands on about Waldenstrom's macroglobulinemia.  I have brushed up on the biology lessons about red blood cells, white blood cells, platelets, plasma, monoclonal protein and more.  I have even seen my own bone marrow and a sliver of bone from the inside of my hip.  But nothing I have read or seen helps me to believe that I have a life threatening disease.  I am trying to apply this information to my life, but the truth is.........  I'm not sick.  I look fine. I feel great (and for that, I am grateful.)  Nothing about me has changed.  The only cancer symptoms I have are pathology reports. 

Just when I think I have come to terms with me and cancer, I go into an emotional talespin.  Sometimes in the middle of a sentence, the panic comes.  Getting the MRI today was difficult.  Not because it was painful or scary.  But, because it brought me to reality.  As we were leaving the hospital, my Stevie told me, "We are done.  Let's go home."  It was then that I realized we aren't done at all.  We are only beginning.  Blood tests, bone marrow biopsies, cancer treatment - these are going to be parts of my life from now on. 

Don't get me wrong.  I am grateful for the medical professionals who devote their lives to helping others.  They are my team.  They are going to help me stay well and live a long life.  But, I sure wish I had my old life back.  I feel like a little girl leaving fingernail imprints in the hands that are holding mine.  I want to scream, "I HATE THIS ROLLER COASTER!  GET ME OFF!!"  Then I remember that Jesus told me, "I will uphold you by my righteous right hand."  I STILL want to get off the roller coaster,  but it good to know that Jesus has my hand. 

GOD CAN USE ANYTHING..... EVEN A BIG TOE!

"How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"  (Romans 10:15.)  I have always thought this verse to be a bit unusual - even humorous.  For the first 55 1/2 years of my life, I just haven't seen the beauty in feet!  Oh, I've used plenty of nail polish, even a French pedicure or two, just to make my feet look more acceptable, but never beautiful.  Until now.  I have had nagging problems with my left big toe for several years.  Not anything unbearable, but certainly uncomfortable.  Lately, the problem has limited my exercise and physical ability to such an extent that I sought surgical correction of the problem.  My podiatrist scheduled me for a November date in the operating room for a joint replacement.  Yes, I am special!  How many people do you know with a titanium big toe joint?  Then she sprung the news that she would require pre-op testing.  It seems that she insisted that we check my heart, blood, and lungs to make sure I was healthy enough for surgery.  Well, of course I was healthy enough for surgery.  With the exception of this sore big toe, I felt great! 

Reluctantly, I spent pre-op day at the hospital getting the usual routine tests:  chest x-ray, EKG, and lab work.  A few days later, I went for a visit with an internist to review the results.  "Mrs. Lollar, do you know that you are anemic?"  What???  Anemic?  But, I am as healthy as can be!  "Your lab results show a blood protein level that is not normal.  It is probably just an error in testing.  Would you mind if we take some additional blood?"  Well,  I guess not!  All I want is toe surgery!   I was sent to the lab to meet Clarence the vampire!  As he led me in meaningless conversation about random topics to get my mind off the needle in my arm, I know that he took at least a gallon of blood.  That's no way to treat an anemic girl with a sore toe! 

Even more reluctantly, I returned to the office a few days later for a follow up visit.  The doctor cleared me for foot surgery, but said that I needed to see him in two weeks for further testing.  "Mrs. Lollar, the blood levels are still a bit confusing.  We need to do further testing after your surgery."  Maybe I would have listened more clearly to his concern if I had not been so worried about having my toe joint replaced.  After a successful surgery and recovery, I  returned to the internist's office, even MORE reluctantly.  "Mrs. Lollar, we need to do further testing on your blood to rule out some genetic blood disorders.  Have you ever heard of multiple myeloma?"  Wait a minute, doc!  It ends with "o-m-a."  That means CANCER!  In a fog, I went back to Clarence the vampire, and gave another gallon or two of my precious, anemic blood. 

Well, that is the beginning of my cancer journey.  The diagnosis was changed from multiple myeloma to Waldenstrom's macroglobulinemia.  But, blood cancer is blood cancer.  Thank you, doctors for being so diligent and careful to find the exact cause of the blood problem.  Thank you, Clarence the vampire, for being so kind to me when I called you names and fainted in your chair.  Thank you, God, for that sore big toe.  How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news - good news about treatment of cancer. 

MUSIC THERAPY

Doing my homework today.  I just found this music video made by an M.D. Anderson patient.  I feel better already just knowing that this hospital provides for the creative part of it's patients.  Music therapy is a part of patient care at M.D. Anderson.  Maybe it's not such a scary place after all. 

http://blogs.houstonpress.com/rocks/2010/06/can_music_fight_cancer_md_ande.php?fb_action_ids=10200783402890399&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582

MY PRAYER: February 15, 2013

Here is a prayer that I wrote to God yesterday while I waited for my 4:00 appointment at Texas Oncology.  I am quite certain that yesterday will go down as the longest day in history!!! 

Prayer Journal:  2/15/13
The results are in.  Abba, Daddy.  I feel very frail today - very vulnerable - very confused.  I don't know what the future holds for me and for my family.  I don't know what the biopsy and CT results are going to tell us.  I have no control over my life and I HATE IT!  But you know, you are probably grinning knowingly right now.  The truth is, I NEVER had any control over my life, did I?  Silly me, with my appointment calendar, and my long term goal setting.  You had it all the time, didn't you?  It gives me great relief to know that you already know the results of those tests.  You know every cell in my body.  Lord, make this day pass quickly for me.  Give Dr. Borra great insight and knowledge as she analyzes my records.  Give her wisdom in making a diagnosis and suggesting a treatment plan.  Give her wisdom in referring me to another facility.  Lord, it is good to know that you already know!  Nothing surprises you.  You are already there.  I'll meet you there in a couple of hours.  Thank you for going before me.

MY PRAYER - February 8, 2013

I want to back track just a bit to an earlier part of this journey.  This is a prayer that I wrote just three days after I learned that I had cancer.  Steve and I were sitting in the lobby of the Texas Oncology building waiting to hear my name called for the dreaded bone marrow biopsy. 

Prayer journal:  2/8/13.
Abba Father, Heavenly Daddy;
This is a place I surely do not want to be sitting today.  Just last week, Steve and I were enjoying our day together commenting on how we loved our Fridays off.  Today, we sit side by side in the lobby of the cancer center waiting for a bone marrow biopsy.  I sure didn't see this coming, Lord.  I don't know why.  I had all the signs, I guess I just thought that the blood tests were mistakes.  Denial, maybe.  So today, I face my greatest fears:  cancer and needles.  Thank you for the weeks of time that I have spent in your presence in Bible study and prayer.  I know that you were spiritually preparing me for today.  I pray that you will let me feel your presence right now, in the procedure room, and when that needle hits my bone marrow.  Hold me with your righteous right hand.  Lift me to your throne.  Bear my pain.  Help me to tolerate the procedure.  Bless the doctor, nurse, those who read the results and those who determine my diagnosis and treatment.  I love you, Lord.  Hold my hand.  I won't let go.

WE CAN DO IT!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you," declares the Lord.  (Jeremiah 29:  11-14.)

We can do it!  Team Lollar can do it!  Waldenstrom's macroglobulinemia may be a part of my life, but it will not define my life.  I have just been diagnosed with a life threatening disease.  This was most definitely NOT on my weekly planner!  Now is the time to trust and adjust. 

I am placing my body in the hands my Creator, the Almighty God.  I am trusting my Abba Father to heal my body and to bring this cancer into remission.  I am asking for those of like mind to pray for me and for my family as we walk through the unknown.  I would be honored for you to join Team Lollar as we beat this cancer.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." ( Proverbs 3: 5 - 6)