In my ideal world, this post would open like this: "Hello everybody, I just want to tell you that I have reached a point of complete trust in God. I no longer worry about things over which I have no control. I am at peace with my blood disorder, I have total faith that this disease will not progress and that I will live a life free of chemotherapy and bone marrow transplants. Anxiety and fear are no longer a part of my life! I have arrived!"
Back to the real world. Yesterday was a terrible day! I read about a Waldenstrom's survivor who is ten years younger than me. He was diagnosed seven years ago. When I began reading his story, I was happy to learn of someone else with crazy blood. Maybe we would have something in common. Perhaps his story would help me in my journey. That did NOT happen! His story was dark and depressing. Poor guy. He has already reached the final stage of therapy, the bone marrow transplant. He is in remission now, but is quick to say that it is just a matter of time before the disease becomes active again. He told his twin daughters, "Even when I am not with you, I am with you."
I quickly decided that reading this story would not be beneficial to me. I put the article away, but not before the spirit of fear was planted in my brain. All day long, Rational Kathy explained to Emotional Kathy that this was his story, not mine. All day long, the battle between the Kathys continued, and I am sure you can guess who won! Logic and intellect didn't have a chance when the panic and anxiety took over. That fight or flight instinct is very powerful in this girl. I can't tell you how much I hate that!
The entire day was spent on a see-saw. I put my fear in God's hands....... I took it back. Gave it back to God..........picked it up again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I broke down in front of some girlfriends. Note to self: NEVER do that again! One friend advised, "Just pretend you don't have cancer." REALLY? But I DO have cancer. Another friend spent an hour telling me about people who had been healed of their illnesses. She encouraged me to demand healing in the name of Jesus. But the secret to success is faith. You will only be healed if you have complete faith. I DO have faith, but I'm still scared. I know that God has the power to heal. I also know that thousands of people die of cancer. I don't know how to DEMAND healing from God. I don't know how to have that kind of faith. Even Jesus asked his Father, "Let this cup pass from me." For the good of humanity, God had other plans for His own son. I left that conversation feeling like a complete failure. Remnants of fear followed me all day. By dinner time, I was exhausted. Completely spent. I went to bed before dark and slept all night.
Today, I start fresh. I begin the day by writing, singing, and reading the word. I pray that God will give me a fearless heart today. My intellect understands Waldenstrom's Macroglobulinemia - at least as much as a layman possibly can. I've done my homework. I also know that I am experiencing the blessing of good health in the midst of the chaos in my blood.
So, I start today by asking God's forgiveness for doubting. I am asking Him to give me freedom from a spirit of fear. I am praying for a blessing on my marrow: I am asking Him to multiply my red blood cells and destroy malignant plasma. Most of all, I am giving Him the glory for all the good in my life. No matter where the future leads me, I know that He will walk beside me. I know that I can be strong and courageous because of Christ living in me. I rejoice in the knowledge that every step on earth brings me one step closer to an eternity in Heaven. I pray that God will give me the courage to take every step with a fearless heart.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7.
"Don't be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6
"For I am The Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13.
If this was a test, you passed with flying colors. We have to agree with God....even when we don't understand. Job had nothing, but still found a way to worship and thank God. You are doing that. Unlike Job - look what you have! You are unbelievably blessed by so much love! I just met you and I see Jesus in you! You rock Mrs. Kathy - even in your weakness - you are a blessing to others.
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