When I was born, the world received a 100% type 'A' personality. Ever the doer, the organizer, the go-getter, the manager, I planned my life down to the minute. As I look back, I wonder how many minutes of my life I actually wasted in those endeavors, but I lived that way and it worked for me.
Until blood plasma cancer made its presence known.
If you've never experienced a cancer diagnosis (and I pray that you never do) the emotional response to the knowledge of poison in your body can be as devastating as the physical. Throughout the past six months, I have endured depression that has kept me from leaving my bedroom. I have kept this a secret until now. I have covered up my absence by telling family and friends, that I've been really busy working at home. Panic and anxiety are not new to me. These evil companions have followed me around for many years. But never at the level of their presence now. When I allow my mind to wander into the possibilities of future chemotherapy and bone marrow transplants, panic hits me at a level I've never experienced before.
The doctors tell me that we are in the Watch and Wait Period. (Known to many cancer fighters as the Watch and Worry Period.) No treatment has been prescribed. I have been told to go about my daily life and forget about the condition. I have the knowledge that one quarter of the plasma cells in my bone marrow are malignant and we are doing absolutely nothing about it. That is much more difficult than I expected! Every time I forget, I come across a well meaning friend who asks me, "How are you doing?" "Fine!" is my first response. Then I see that look in their eyes and it reminds me that I have cancer. I know that look. I have given that look before. It's a look that says, "Oh, I know that you have the 'C' word! I am so sorry. You scare me. If you have it, I wonder if I might get it some day." As soon as I detect "the look," the panic strikes me. I know that it is the work of the evil one, but I am telling you, that guy has some power!
Every month, like clockwork, I visit the lab at the cancer center. If I have managed to forget about the diagnosis, walking into that clinic brings me face to face with my new reality! Sitting next to fighters awaiting treatment; watching caregivers wheel in their diseased loved ones; witnessing the gray complexions and the balding heads of weary warriors, I remember! Each month, my lab results get better and better. Then I fall on my face and thank God for blessing this girl of wavering faith.
Although I am a reluctant student, God is teaching me about faith during this time. You can read about faith, study about faith, quote scriptures about faith, but until you EXPERIENCE total helplessness, faith is just a concept. God is giving me a time to test my faith, a time to learn to rest in His promises. I am learning to depend upon Him and I am waiting somewhat patiently. I pray that I will be transformed during this waiting period - not just in a physical way, but in a spiritual way. I am doing my very best to rely on Almighty Jehovah Rapha, the healer, who holds me by his righteous right hand. I pray that I will learn to live confidently in the assurances of His promises. I long to become a mature faith walker. I know beyond a doubt that God will use this time for my good. I don't need to know what the future holds for me. Jesus is already there. We will walk that path together. For now, we WAIT!
"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of The Lord in the land of the living [in this life.]
WAIT for The Lord; be strong and take heart and WAIT for The Lord." Psalm 27: 13 - 14.
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