DOING THE BEST WE CAN

        I have come to the conclusion that very little in my life has gone the way I planned.  When Steve and I married over 38 years ago, a large family never crossed our minds.  We were excited about the birth of our first baby.  Although unplanned, little April Kathleen was the joy of our young lives and continues to be to this day.  But she did not remain an only child for long.  Just when April started sleeping through the night, I realized something was wrong.  What I suspected could not possibly be!  I was too tired.  I hadn't slept in months.  I was not ready to be a mom again!  But, God had other plans.   When April was only 15 months old, Natalie Brooke found her place into our hearts, and our tiny toddler became a big sister.  God gave us two precious daughters.  I have loved them both - from the first butterfly flutter in my belly, through childhood, the terrible teens.  Steve and I are blessed that April and Natalie remain near and dear to us.  They are parts of us - from now through eternity.
        As I said, a large family never crossed our minds.  I will re-state my earlier observation.  Very little in my life has gone the way I planned.  Throughout the past 17 years, our family has grown one by one by one.  And sometimes even by twos.  As of today, the group pictured above is the real TeamLollar.  Our family.  Our village.  The Steve and Kathy Lollar family does not look like anything we expected.  Our beautiful daughters have delighted us with the births of five beautiful grandchildren, Cameron Gregory, Aubreigh Dawn, Joel Steven, Brennon Reid, and Kielyn Rae. 
     But, there's more!  Like most daughters, our girls have chosen partners for their life journeys.  Throughout the years, circumstances have changed which have brought a crew of children into our lives.  Yours, mine, and ours children.  Children who have been a part of our physical families for a time, and have now moved on, but have never moved out of our hearts.  Once a Lollar grand, always a Lollar grand.  April and Tony have given us two more little loves, Madison and Trenton.  Natalie and Pete introduced us to Jordan just this weekend.  Then there are Brittany, Michael Marie and Trestin, children who will never leave our hearts.
     I tell you all of that background information to make this point.  Nothing in my life has been what I planned.  The older I get, the more I realize that I have very little say in what happens in my own life.  Lately, I have come to terms with that reality.  I have even learned to embrace my helplessness and become bold with faith that God will bring me through anything that is ahead of me.  My unexpected large family has brought many trials, but the blessings have outweighed them ten-fold.  I planned to be a pop-star diva of the Barbra Streisand genre.  Instead, my gift was found in teaching children - thousands of them - and their children.  Sharing music with so many has brought me untold happiness.   I never thought twice about my health and assumed I would always wear size 6 jeans and eat all I wanted.  That all changed!  I never spoke the "C" word aloud.  I never wanted to say it because it did not belong to me, it belonged to somebody else.  I have learned that you can ignore and deny all you want to, but with health issues, you'd better know your body and respect it enough to find answers. 
       For nearly two years (I can't believe how quickly the time has passed) I have been aware that the "C" word is a part of me.  Who knows how long I had it before diagnosis.  During this time, I have lost 4 friends to cancer (one just last week,) and at least ten others have been diagnosed.  You understand that, don't you?  I'll bet the same is happening in your circle of friends and family.  An unplanned, unwanted, dreaded disease.  I am one of the blessed ones.  I have responded well to treatment and am doing very well.  I never, ever take that for granted.  I think of Kevin, Tim, Lynn, and Shayne.  Gone too soon.  I think of Pam, Billie, Sarah, Susan, Beth, Loretta, Bonnie, and so many others.  Too many to name.  I am blessed.  I am grateful. 
     I have come to the conclusion that very little in my life has gone the way I planned.  My small family has turned into a beautiful blend of God's precious children.  My time in the spotlight has been spent displaying the unique talents of my students and encouraging them to blossom.  My time of illness has taught me to appreciate life, to trust God, to ask for help, and to just let things go.  Things that seemed so important before fade into the background.  It's people who are important, not things.  Why do we all say, "where did the time go?" "I just blinked and my child was grown!" "My body is old, but my mind is young, how did the past 57 years fly by so fast?"  Slow down.  Love people.  Look over their mistakes.  Forgive their faults.  Forgive yourself.  Be an encourager.  Be a listener.  Be a giver.  Accept people as they are.  After all, very little in their lives have gone the way they planned.  We are all just doing the best we can. 

"But from everlasting to everlasting, the Lord's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children."

Psalm 103:17

"Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it."

Proverbs 22: 6

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength."

1 Corinthians 1: 25

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Jeremiah 29: 11



  
    

THIS IS HOW WE ROLL

     My sweet husband is in surgery and it is my turn to wait. It feels quite different on this side of the operating room. I can't say that I like it. Being a caregiver is going to be a change for me. I have grown very dependent upon Steve over the past 18 months. From foot surgery through chemotherapy and hip surgery, he has been there cheering me on every slow and painful step along the way. The tables have turned. In a couple of hours, I will be the home nurse, the chauffeur, the physical therapy assistant and all the rest. This man has never had surgery until today. He is rarely even sick. He has been blessed with good health. Total dependence will be new for him. Everyone warns me that men are not good patients. We'll see, but I believe that this man will prove them wrong.  

     A few minutes ago, the surgical team rolled Steve down the hall toward the operating room. I grinned as I heard him sing, "Rollin,' Rollin', Rollin'".  One of the nurses asked, "Are you surprised that he is singing the Gunsmoke theme on the way to surgery?"  I answered, "Not at all.  I know him. This is how we roll."  

     Thank you, God, for giving me a healthy husband with a servant's heart. Thank you for his humor and his positive attitude.  I ask you to bless him right now throughout this procedure. I pray that Steve will heal quickly with minimal pain. Teach me to be the kind of caregiver he needs.  I look forward to the day he can walk without difficulty.  Thank you for loving us.  Thank you for being true to your promises. I claim your promise that you will never leave us or forsake us.  I invite you to walk with us through these days of recovery. 

When you walk, your steps will not be impeded; and if you stumble, you will not fall.  

Proverbs 4: 12

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY - HIP, HIP, HOORAY!

     It happened nine weeks ago.  Lying in pain on the kitchen floor I thought to myself, "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!  THIS CAN'T HAVE JUST HAPPENED!  HAVEN'T I BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?"  That evening, lying in a hospital bed, I asked my surgeon just how long my recovery from the inevitable hip surgery would take.  His answer was ten weeks.  That was not the answer I wanted, but that was the answer I got.  My mind started calculating just what that number meant to me.   I set a goal for myself.  The goal for recovery would be my birthday!  (OK, it was only nine weeks until my next birthday, but surely I could beat the odds.) 
    I must say that my 57th year has been the most painful and difficult of my entire life.   On March 7, I completed six months of chemotherapy; but my celebration was delayed by a fall on March 8 that left me with a titanium rod to strengthen my broken hip.  Hours of physical therapy have improved my weakened muscles, but complete strength is still down the road a bit.  It has been a long, hard journey to this point, but guess what?  This birthday weekend has been the best of my life!  I have never been more grateful to walk, more happy to bend down and plant flowers, more aware of my increased energy level, and more amazed to have improved blood flowing through my veins than today.  The reality of my own mortality has changed me.  A time of helplessness and dependence has made me a different person.  Things that used to be important to me, are no longer of value.  Other things that I hardly noticed before, have now become priorities. 
     You have probably heard the saying, "what does not kill you will make you stronger."  I wish that were not a true statement, but I testify that it is.  If I had my way, God would just give me all the understanding and insight that I would ever need.  He would just wave his omipotent hand, and I would be fully mature and provided with all knowlege.  But, I guess that's why HE is God and I am not!  That's just now how growing in his glory works. 
    Don't get me wrong, I wish that I never had to face another moment of suffering in my life.  But of course, I am not naive.  Cancer will  continue.  Financial difficulties will continue.  Family concerns will continue.  Violence and evil in the world will continue and will have an effect on my life.  But, I know this for sure:  through suffering, I will change; I will grow; I will grow nearer to God.  I will have complete assurance that the God who created me will never leave me or forsake me.  I will look back on future trials and find that God has worked them out for my good. 
     Steve and I have a short reprieve and then we face another surgery.  This time, I will be the caregiver.  Foot surgery will require four weeks in a cast followed by two weeks in a boot for a man who has rarely been sick a day in his life (gratefully.)  So, we are getting ready for the next part of the journey.  We don't want to do it, but we know that it is necessary.  I pray that Steve will experience some of the same touches of the Holy Spirit and the strength of Jesus Christ during his recovery as I have during mine. 
     Our next goal is Steve's birthday.  On his birthday, he should be out of the cast and into a walking boot.  That will be a good day.  We are also looking forward to October 25, when we will walk with TeamLollar in Austin, Texas at the Light The Night Walk for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  We will walk for research and help for blood cancer patients.  But we will also just be grateful that we can walk!  If you'd like to walk with TeamLollar or help us reach our fundraising goal, you can reach our team page by using this link:

LINK TO TEAMLOLLAR PAGE - LIGHT THE NIGHT WALK

Hip, Hip, Hooray!

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trials you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."

1 Peter 4: 12-13

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know thate the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1: 2-4

"A season of suffering is a small assignment when compared to the reward.  Rather than begrudge your problem, explore it.  Ponder it.  And most of all, use it.  Use it to the glory of God."

Max Lucado

"The dominant characteristic of an authentic spiritual life is the gratitude that flows from trust - not only for all the gifts that I receive from God, but gratitude for all the suffering.  Because in that purifying experience, suffering has often been the shortest path to intimacy with God."

Brennan Manning



RECOVERY, 2014

     Four weeks ago today, I traded in my boxing gloves for combat boots!  (Thank you, Loretta Walker, for those appropriate words.) 


     2013 was a difficult year for the Lollar family.  We welcomed 2014 with the hopes of a better year.  We are still waiting for that to happen,  but we believe that better days are just around the corner. 


     On Friday, March 7, I completed my six month chemotherapy regimen.  But the long anticipated reprieve did not happen.  On Saturday, March 8, I fell and broke my hip.  WHO DOES THAT?  Over and over in my mind, I have questioned this.  No way!  How could this possibly be right?  I still don't have the answer to that one, but I have made a few observations and have gleaned some snippets of wisdom along the way.  I will share a few thoughts with you. 

• CLOSE THE DISHWASHER DOOR!  (It just might be a warning from the Holy Spirit.)  Have you ever just had a hunch?  In your gut?  And you didn't know why?  I can remember several times that this has happened to me throughout my lifetime.  There was the time, over 25 years ago, that I walked up to my home to find the door knocked in.  As I angrily stepped toward the threshold to view the damage from an apparent burglary, my feet stopped as if I had walked into a concrete wall.  I turned and ran, got into my car, and went to a friend's house.  When we returned with the police, my microwave was sitting on the ground just inches from where I had stood.  I have carried that moment with me for most of my adult life, wondering what could have caused that feeling to come over me.  Now I know............ it was the prompting of the Holy Spirit, one of the ways that God communicates with His children.  I am so glad that I heeded the warning then, but why didn't I learn my lesson?  I don't know how many times, I have left that dishwasher door open.  I don't know how many times I have thought to myself, "That is really dangerous.  Someone could trip and hurt themselves."  I had warning after warning, feeling after feeling, and I DID NOT HEED THE WARNING.  It was nobody's fault but my own.  I have learned a really hard lesson.  I pray that I have learned it well and that I will be aware of future promptings of the Spirit within me. 

"But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name,

He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you."

John 14: 26

"Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying,

'This is the way, walk in it,'

whenever you turn to the right hand

or whenever you turn to the left."

Isaiah 30: 21

• DON'T GO INTO DEEP WATER WITHOUT A BUDDY.  I cannot imagine what I would have done if I had been alone that Saturday morning.  My sweet Stevie heard my blood curdling screams and came to my rescue.  Then came my family.  Then, the doctors and nurses and surgeons and physical therapists and x-ray technicians and lab technicians, and so on and so on.  Then came the friends.  One after another.  Bringing flowers, food, cards, words of encouragement, words of healing and strength. Prayer warriors lifting me up in prayer.  I felt the power and comfort.  Phone calls and text messages from little piano students checking on "Ms. Kathy."   I am a giver, a doer, an organizer, a fixer.  Being in need was a new experience for me.  Fortunately, I had gone through 56 years of life without learning about complete helplessness.  I now know that when you are in need, you need an army of supporters.  I don't believe that God ever intended for us to go through life alone.  It's just too hard!  We need each other.  I am especially humbled by the complete selflessness that my husband has demonstrated during this month.  He has been my rock of strength through the most trying time of my life.  He tells me that if the table was turned, I would do the same for him.  Well, of course I would, but I hope I never have to.  HUMILITY.  PATIENCE.  TRUST.  I now understand these concepts in a deeper way. 

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

Galatians 6: 2

"So whatever you wish that others would do to you,

do also to them,

for this is the Law and the Prophets."

Matthew 7:12

• "THEY ARE WEAK, BUT HE IS STRONG."  You know the song..... "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so."  Even the youngest of us knows it.  But do we REALLY believe it?  I am believing these words more and more each day.  Perhaps that is the lesson God wants me to learn through this experience.  Here is what I know for sure.  I experienced a terrifying fall.  I lay on the floor in shock and in pain.  The first sounds I uttered were a call for help from Steve.  The next words I spoke were, "I trust you, Lord.  I trust you.  Help me."   In the emergency room, surgery, recovery, the Holy Spirit brought me constant companionship and comfort.  The day after surgery, a physical therapist expected me to walk!  Really?  Walk?  I was so frightened.  I prayed, "Give me the strength of Jesus."  I was able to take two steps.  The next day, the same prayer.  I walked out the hospital room door and a few steps into the hallway.  Day after day.  Prayer after prayer.  Step after step.   I have been blessed with strength and healing - not just for my body, but for my spirit.  I am convinced of the truth of these words from scripture:

"Be strong and courageous.

Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,

for the Lord your God goes with you;

he will never leave you nor forsake you."

"Deuteronomy 31: 6





""When the righteous cry for help,

the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles."

Psalm 34: 17

     Now, I put away the combat boots and trade them in for a nice pair of Nike's.   The next four to six weeks will be full of physical therapy.  I am learning to appreciate exercise.  Perhaps even sweat!  The boxing gloves have to stay nearby, because cancer is still a reality for me.  Now that chemotherapy has ended, the next few months will be spent tracking numbers in the blood tests and even a scary bone marrow biopsy.  My prayer is that my condition will respond so well to the recent treatment that the malignancy remains in check for a long, long time.  I look forward to better days ahead, and I have the trust that my God will hold me with his righteous right hand through the good and the bad. 

"So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41: 10

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.

In this world you will have trouble.

But take heart!  I have overcome the world."

John 16: 33





I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP

     So here is the story. On cloud nine from completing chemo the day before, I enjoyed a quiet morning with coffee, music, doxies, and reading.  Before me was the prospect of an entire week of making my own agenda, doing exactly what I wanted. Visions of spring cleaning, preparing the yard for spring, quality time with my family, and a good book. I went to the kitchen to fix breakfast. After opening the dishwasher door to get out a pan, I was sidetracked by my doggie - peeing on the floor, no less.  I went to the living room to clean up the mess and put him out the back door. I turned around to enter the kitchen forgetting about the open dishwasher door. I flew across the open door and landed with the full force of my body an my ceramic tile floor, directly on the left hip. Excruciating pain and terror. On the floor unable to move. So grateful that my sweet husband was at home. We tried for a half hour to get me off the floor, but to no avail.  My daughter's fiancée  arrived and carried me to the car  (no easy task!). It was then that I knew that my injury was severe and that we should have called EMS.
     If you are waiting for my revelation as to why this happened to me,  I must disappoint you. I have given every ounce of courage and faith be a good cancer patient, to accept the constant poking, prodding and drugs that medical professionals administer while wearing protective clothing.  People incorrectly quote a scripture by saying that God won't give you more than you can handle.
1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "no temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted more than you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."  Of course, life brings us more health problems, financial problems, family problems, social problems, than we can handle. If WE could handle all that life throws our way, we would not need to depend upon GOD.  God's promise to his children is that he will meet us in our circumstances of life and carry us through.
     I am clinging to the scripture from 2 Corinthians 5:7. "For we walk by faith, not by sight."  I am lying flat on my back unable to move, much less walk. Being in this situation is more than painful, it is terrifying. On occasion, the enemy tries to take control of my mind with overwhelming panic, self pity, and depression. I just tell him to leave me alone because I am a child of The Lord Jesus Christ and he can't have me. My faith does not alleviate the pain, it does not mend my broken bone, but it guards me from spirit damage. The tears still come, the regret of that moment of distraction does not fade, but my trust in my Savior who has promised never to leave me or forsake me never waivers.

GUESS WHO COMPLETED CHEMO TODAY.........

THIS GIRL! 

Six months of cancer treatment - done!  Time will tell if and when additional treatment will be needed, but for now, I will go return to monthly labs to keep an eye on things. After treatment today, Steve and I hosted an ice cream party for the staff and patients. It was a fun way to say "thank you."  Here are a few pictures of our little celebration today with some of my favorite people.  Oncology professionals and cancer supporters / caregivers cannot be thanked enough.  The folks at Texas Oncology - West Texas Cancer Center treated me like a queen throughout this entire scary process. I am grateful for each of them.  My sweet Stevie spent countless hours sitting with me during treatments and taking care of me at home. And to my precious friend, Dr. H. Bailey Stone, thank you for reminding me of the promise of God found in Deuteronomy 31:6.

Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you;  he will never leave you nor forsake you.  

NO NEED FOR MASCARA NOW, LYNNE

My friend died today. My special cancer fighting friend who sent me messages of encouragement even though she was in excruciating pain as a result of metastatic breast cancer. I am hurting. I will miss her. She gave me hope and comfort. I promised her that when her time came, I would rejoice with her. I am, but through tears. Losing a friend to cancer is different when you, too, have cancer. Will I be that same inspiration to others?  Will I fight as bravely? What will it be like on the other side?   I am smiling through my tears.  Confusing emotions.

Lynne Norwood was a classy lady who loved The Lord and served Him through teaching children. She remained a teacher as I became her student in my quest to learn how to live with cancer. I would like to share our facebook chats. 

Ocober 4, 2013. As I anxiously awaited my first chemo treatment, I received this word from Lynne:

"I am thinking of you right this minute and know your fear. God will give you the peace, comfort, strength and guidance that He gives me everyday. Calling His name will get you through even the roughest of days."

October 24, 2013. I posted a "funny" story about my rare disease and the reactions I get from medical folks when they hear that I am a Waldenstrom's patient. Lynne responded with this:  "I so feel for you.  Every time I hear a doctor or nurse say, 'I've never seen that before,' I want to scream and then I think I should get a prize. Let me know if you find a remedy for those eyes swelling. It's heck trying to put on mascara!"

December 31, 2013. After I posted about my most difficult Rituxan infusion experience, Lynne writes from her room at M.D. Anderson Cancer center:  "Kathy, I continue to ask God to meet the needs that only He knows you have.  You are in my prayers every day. Although all cancer patients experience different things, we can count on The Lord to give us peace, comfort, strength and guidance specific to our affliction. I am in the hospital at MDA. They are taking me off the clinical trial as I have been very ill, and it is no longer working as it should. I don't know what the turnout will be, but I am continuing the fight.  I know the ultimate result, and for that I am rejoicing.  I pray that your next treatment is much easier on you." 

My response to Lynne:  "Lynne, you are such an inspiration to me.  When the time comes, I will rejoice for you. Strange to think that way, isn't it?  But how true. If we only knew what lies ahead. What a day that will be!  If you get there before me, save me a place. I love you dearly ."

My last message from Lynne:  "I feel sure you already have a place secured. Love you,"

Fly to Jesus, sweet friend. Enjoy your new body; free from cancer, free from fear, free from death. Save me a place. I will see you again (and we won't need mascara!)

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."  

Revelation 21: 4

"Precious in the sight of The Lord is the death of his saints."  Psalm 116: 15.