SHORTEST BLOG ENTRY YET

So, here's the truth.  I HATE LAB DAY!  Four weeks out of the month, cancer and I have worked out a fairly peaceful co-existence.  But then the DAY comes and I turn into a blubbering idiot.  I wait for the "magic numbers."  The blood levels that will tell if it is time for treatment.  This month, have lost two friends to cancer - both in their 40's.  I will just say for us all.............CANCER SUX!

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of POWER and love and self-control."  2 Timothy 1 : 7.

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is The Lord your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you."  Deuteronomy 31 : 6.

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

One morning each month, I awaken with the knowledge that everything that I hold dear will be put on hold for a time.  My family, my students, my business, my errands, my home chores, everything must all be pushed aside.  For this moment of my life, nothing takes precedence over my medical appointment.  My fight against cancer is the priority of the day.  It's that time of the month.

Today is LAB DAY - the day of the month that I walk in the doors of the big medical facility that has the "C" word plastered in huge letters right across the front.  The sign on the building is a visual reminder of the enemy,  the uninvited intruder in my life.  The kind folks who work at the West Texas Cancer Center will take good care of me.  They will come up with an interesting topic of conversation to get my mind off of the needle piercing my vein, but there is just nothing about this monthly routine that is normal or pleasant.

From the moment I wake up on LAB DAY, I am reminded that malignant plasma cells are multiplying in my bone marrow and traveling my entire body through my veins.  That fluid that is created to give me life is being invaded by microscopic cells that have the power to take my life.  My body is fighting an invisible enemy and I am powerless to help.  Just believing that I have blood cancer is still difficult for me.  Thankfully, I cannot feel or see the effects of this diseases.  Numbers on a lab report - they are the only proof that I have a problem.

Today, a large quantity of my precious blood will be required for the monthly score-keeping.  How many red blood cells have managed to remain strong this month?  How much of that nasty IgM protein have the malignant cells produced?  How thick is my blood?  It is creeping up to a consistency that can be dangerous for me.  Are we there yet?  Is it time for treatment yet?  Who wins this round......... Kathy or cancer?

I just feel like whining for a moment.  I sure hate this!  Blood cancer has brought concern and financial hardships to my family.  Some days the uncertainty just makes me an emotional wreck!  For periods of time, I am simply out of commission.  I have to give myself a "time out" and that is never in my daily planner.

Then I look at my fellow cancer fighters and I feel guilty.  I have friends who are facing cancer surgery, infusions of chemotherapy, and weeks of radiation treatment..... just to survive.  And here I am waiting.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.

OK, the whining moment is over.  I am thankful that my condition is still in the "Watch and Wait" mode.  I am thankful that God has chosen to bless me with energy in the midst of anemia.  I am thankful for health care professionals who devote their lives to helping cancer patients like me.  I am grateful for a medical facility within a few miles of my home.  I am devoted to living my cancer journey out loud because I fully believe that someone who reads my simple words will be helped along their journey.

So, I should close now.  It's that time of the month and I have to get ready to go to the cancer center.  It's time to check the scoreboard.  Whatever the numbers say, God is in control, and as His child, I win!

"We also glory in our sufferings,

because we know that suffering produces perseverance;

perseverance, character;

and character, hope."

Romans 5: 3-4

"I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:13

I'D LIKE TO ORDER THE KID'S MEAL, PLEASE

"I don't know how you do it.  You've got too much on your plate!"  In my little world, I hear that observation regularly.  I'll bet that you have had the same feeling - just TOO much on your plate!  When did the portions get so overwhelming?  Family issues, business challenges, financial problems, social engagements, sports events, music lessons, church meetings.......... activities, activities, activities.

In my "cancer life," I am experiencing a lull in the action right now.  I am between monthly labs and I am feeling very well.  I cannot thank God enough for the blessing of energy that he provides for me daily.  The reality of my health is living in the back of my mind right now.  I know that the future may hold some scary times for me, but right now, all is well.  And I rest in the assurance that wherever life takes me, Jesus is already there.  I'll catch up when the time comes.  I have faith that he will be beside me every step of the way.

My "educator / entrepreneur life" has become my focus as of late.  You may of heard me say this before, but Steve and I opened WEST TEXAS MUSIC ACADEMY in obedience to God's command.  That may sound illogical, but we know beyond the shadow of a doubt that WTMA was put into our lives by divine appointment.  In our three years in business, all of our attempts to plan the workings of this business have just gone by the wayside as God has led us in unexpected directions and we have followed.

The summer of 2013 will go down in Lollar life as a time of great trial and uncertainty.  Our business nearly failed.  After a successful school year, for an "unexplained" reason, students just seemed to disappear.  Our summer vocal ensembles were cancelled due to low enrollment.  Our summer music camp program was only mildly successful.  Confused and concerned, we saw no solution, but to close down the business.  We simply could not understand why God would lead us this far only to have us close WTMA.  Our brains told us that we just could not continue pouring money into this venture, but our hearts just would not listen!  We prayed and waited.  We worried and we prayed some more.  We now see that God knew our limitations and our needs before we did.  He emptied our plates because they were about to be full to the brim.  A health crisis involving Steve's mother demanded our undivided attention for most of the summer.  There is no way that we could have handled a summer music program on top of this.  True to his promise, God provided, just enough at just the right time.  He held us through the storm and got us through to the other side.  Steve's Mom is settled and surrounded by good folks to care for her.  Fall enrollment at WTMA is booming and new students are being added every day.  God has blessed us with a few new teachers.  We are getting very close to our goal enrollment which will be the turning point for WTMA - for the first time in three years, we might just break even!  But, you know, that is our human goal - the one that limits the imagination of God.  I am just waiting for the day when God provides in such an unexpected way that we can just sit back and grin knowing that only He could do this!  Until then, we follow and obey.

My  life as "wife / mom / grandma / daughter" has never been more demanding, yet more enjoyable.  Almost always accompanied by a grand or two (or five), Steve and I go about our lives with a full house, a van load of kids, and a full plate.  When the handsome six foot two inch "Little Stevie" dances around the house and sings at the top of his lungs, I remember that he has been with us for sixteen years.  The noisy summers when he wants to be with his grandparents are not going to last forever.  When I take the 14 year old beauty to the mall to find just the perfect clothing, just the right make up, just the right hair cut, I remember that the summers of "Mamma, do I look ok?" are numbered.  Saturdays loaded with soccer games and sweaty bear hugs will come to an end eventually.  Bedtime story snuggle time with a long legged eight year old girl has become a treasure to me.  Most nights, she just says good night and that's that.

Yes,  my plate is full, sometimes to the point of insanity.  But my life is blessed beyond words.  So, I'll just keep balancing all the parts of me, knowing that God will not place more in my life than I am ready to handle.  But, every now and then, just for a break in the action, I'd like to order from the kid's meal, please.

"You can make many plans,

but the Lord's purpose will prevail."

Proverbs 19: 21

"I am trusting you, O Lord,

saying, "You Are My God!"

My future is in your hands.  

Psalms 31: 14-16

I AM WEAK, BUT YOU ARE STRONG

These cancer months have shown me one thing.  I am weak, but God is strong.  I have tried with all my strength to be strong, courageous and faithful.  It seems that no matter how sincerely I try to leave my burdens in God's hands, doubt and fear creep in and take away my joy.  The fear is so strong that I can literally hear it, see it, taste it.  It devours me.  I KNOW where the doubting comes from.  I KNOW the author of my fear.  Yet, I just can't seem to let it go.

The predicted symptoms are beginning to become a part of my life.  The ugly possibilities that I read about in medical articles are beginning to happen to me.  WM patients often have nose bleeds because the cancerous cells cause thickness in the blood.  I almost hate to share this, but my story might help someone who reads this.  This weekend, I experienced my first WM bleed.  Blood seeped from my nose for ten hours on Saturday.  Ten hours!  As I looked at the red stains on my tissue, I could "see" cancer.  As I felt the liquid dripping, I could "feel" cancer.  Flowing through my lifeblood.  Tears flowed from my eyes as the moisture flowed from my nose.  I broke down in front of my grandchildren.  I never meant to do that.  EVER!  Very, Very, disheartening.

Mighty God, my weakness, my fear, and my lack of faith are keeping me from a life of strength. Abba Father, in my weakness, give me the courage to lay it all at your feet.  Keep me free from the evil one who urges me to pick up my burdens and take them back.  You are more powerful than he. You are more powerful than my problems.  You are more powerful than cancer.

Starting over today.  God, help me to be able to give my burdens to you.  You are my refuge and strength.  You are always there for me in times of trouble.  When earthquakes come, mountains crumble into the sea, or when cancer strikes.....You are at my right hand.....you take the force of the blow.  Help me to live in the calm center.  Your promise never changes.  I don't have to be strong, just faithful.  Help me to take your peace with me into the most difficult of days.  I love you, Lord. Help me to "be still."  Help me to "fear not."

"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.
I quit focusing on the handicap and
began appreciating the gift.
It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.
Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer,
these limitations that cut me down to size - abuse, accidents,
opposition, bad breaks.
I just let Christ take over!
And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

2 Corinthians 12:  9 - 10  The Message

Follow this link to view Selah singing "I Look To You."
http://youtu.be/-vSDhJ0LAm8

IS IT OK TO BE ANGRY?

Today, I just want to shout that I am PISSED OFF AT CANCER!  In my own distinctively OCD manner, I will list the reasons why:

1.  I am developing symptoms.  I had a three hour nose bleed today (WM patients seep blood from the nose and even the eyes (gross) as a result of hyperviscocity (thickening of the blood.)  PISSED!

2.  Blood work again this week.  Tired of it.  Angry with it.  Leave me alone!  PISSED!

3.  My friend suffering from Multiple Myeloma (Waldenstrom's equally evil cousin) is facing surgery to remove a mass and possibly radiation therapy.  Our prayer is that the cancer is contained.  PISSED!

4.  A dear friend in Odessa just discovered that she has breast cancer.  On July 25, things in her life were fine.  On July 26, her world turned upside down.  PISSED!

5.  My best friend in Round Rock has already completed surgery and treatment for breast cancer.  Major drug therapy for a long, long time to ward off the enemy.  PISSED!

6.  Another friend in Odessa, stage 4 cancer in the brain.  Treatable.  Incurable.  PISSED!

7.  Another friend in Odessa, cancer has infiltrated her entire body.  She is tired.  She is ready.  PISSED!

8.  My brother in law.  Colo-rectal cancer.  Three surgeries.  Several rounds of chemo.  PISSED!

Dear Lord,  Is it ok for me to be angry?  I think you understand.  I AM angry.  Angry for me.  Angry for my family.  Angry for my friends.  Angry for their families.  Cancer is evil.  Cancer is strong.  But not as strong as you.  You are the God over cancer.  Give us hope.  Give us faith.  Give us successful treatment.  Give us cures.  Miraculous cures; medical cures; heavenly cures.

"My grace is sufficient for you,

for my power is made perfect in weakness."

2 Corinthians 12 : 9

DISAPPOINTMENT

The emotion of the day:  disappointment.  Not panic, not despair, not fear - just disappointment.  My crazy blood is getting crazier and I am powerless to stop it.

I have lived with the diagnosis of blood cancer for five months.  I have read everything I can get my hands on about dealing with cancer - both the physical and the emotional aspects.  Well meaning friends have given me sincere advice about living life with cancer and I think I have tried it all.

I will call those first days after diagnosis the "DEPRESSION AND FEAR PERIOD."  Dark, ugly days.  I do not want to go there again.

Then came the "TOTALLY CONFUSED AND DISPLACED ERA."   For weeks, I could not concentrate.  I could not complete a task. Disorganized days of Attention Deficit Disorder in a brain that had never experienced it before.

Next came the "HAVE ENOUGH FAITH TO EARN HEALING PHASE."  Although I had never really believed that God hands out blessings in direct relationship to a person's faith, I followed the advice of lots of good friends and learned about that line of reasoning.  Many folks find comfort in that theology, but something about earning healing by works just does not sit right with me. I completely believe that our God is a God of healing, I also believe that He loves his children unconditionally and that thankfully, I do not have to earn his mercy.  He has a plan for me whether it includes miraculous healing, medical healing, or heavenly healing.

The past few months have been the "FORGET ABOUT CANCER AND LIVE YOUR LIFE DAYS."  This has worked very well for me.  Weeks have gone by that cancer has not even entered my mind.  How nice these days have been.  A friend of mine (also a blood cancer fighter) advised me to go about my business and the doctors will tell me when it is time to be concerned.  Well, darn it! The doctors told me that this week. The news has hit me like a ton of bricks.  

With a disease like Waldenstrom's, constant monitoring of the blood is necessary.  Each month, we check my hemoglobin levels to track the progress of the anemia that is a by-product of the cancer. As expected, these numbers have fluxuated up and down.  But, generally they are staying at a safe level.   Most importantly, my energy level is good.  (The doctors keep asking me "How are you feeling?.... Are you tired?....Do you have difficulty getting through the day?"  Thank God, I am doing well in those areas, but I just keep wondering when the predicted fatigue is going to hit me. What will I do then?)

This month I had my first complete myeloma panel since the original diagnosis. The numbers provide an illustration of the reproduction rate of the malignant plasma cells.  That is where the disappointment comes in.  The numbers are changing.  They are heading in the wrong direction.  I wonder why I can't feel that?  Numbers on a lab chart are the only signs that I have a problem.  It is all just surreal.  The IgM number is increasing, which means, the bad cells are busy reproducing.  The viscosity number is rising which indicates that my blood is getting thicker because of the increase in malignant cells. If change continues at this rate, treatment is a few months down the road.

When I saw my doctor in Houston back in February, he assured me that it could be years, even decades, before I would need treatment.  Apparently, that is not going to happen for me.  The indolent cancer in my body has taken a growing spell.  His words to me this week, "Well, it looks as if you may need treatment sooner than later.  I will reserve judgement until we get the next round of lab results."

DISAPPOINTMENT:
That is the only word to describe my emotional state as of now.  

GRATITUDE:
The medical world has provided me with a myriad of treatment
possibilities that will keep this disease in check.
NERVOUSNESS:
More needles; infusions of toxic chemicals into my body; physical discomfort.
TRUST:
 I know that through it all, God has a plan for me.  I know that this world is not my home and that one day, I will live with Him, free of cancer. Until then, I am determined to enjoy my life,  and fight the disease.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 
who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8: 28

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways,
and My thoughts than your thoughts.  
Isaiah 55: 9

TAKE ME OVER

"Jesus, Jesus, take me over now,

I surrender.

Everything I have, I lay it down,

all of me."  

Father, God, isn't that the center of the matter?
Doesn't that cover it all?

Jesus, I surrender to you my thoughts, my words, my heart, my mind, my relationships with family and others, my finances, my business, my health, my plasma, my red blood cells, my anemia, my music, my teaching, my stewardship, my witness.  Have I left out anything?  I lay it down.........All of me.  

You are my solid rock.  You are my provider.  You are my comforter. You are my creator.  You are my healer.  You are worthy of my praise.  You are worthy of my thankfulness.  You are faithful, you never change.  You have made many promises to me:  Promises to prosper me and not to harm me.  

I surrender all.  I am yours.  Use me.  Envelope me with your spirit. Take all of me.

"All to Jesus I surrender, 

all to him I freely give.

I will ever love and trust him,

in his presence daily live."

"So then, my friends, because of God's great mercy to us,
 I appeal to you.

Offer yourselves to God,
 dedicated to his service and pleasing to him. 

This is the true worship that you should offer.  

Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world,

but let God transform you inwardly by a

complete change of your mind.

Then you will be able to know the will of God,

what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect."

Romans 12:  1 - 2

The following link will take you to YouTube.  You will hear Michael W. Smith's "Take Me Over."
"TAKE ME OVER" by Michael W. Smith

(Lyrics:  "Take Me Over" by Michael W. Smith.  "I Surrender All" by J.W. Van Deventer.)