"The fog comes
on little cat feet.
It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on."
Carl Sandburg
Thanks be to God! Kathy is back. I have described the past month of my life as "living in a fog." My thoughts have been random and mixed-up. Dull. Disoriented. My medical peeps carefully warned me about possible physical side effects of my treatment. I wish they had included "chemo brain" in my pre-treatment education. If someone had just warned me, I might have been better equipped to deal with the confusion and depression that been hovering over me.
Are you familiar with the Peanuts character "Pig-Pen?" Poor little guy. Wherever he goes, he is surrounded by a cloud of dirt and dust. When he takes a deep breath to speak or sing, the dust rises all around him. That is how I have envisioned myself this month........ followed by a dark cloud.
October, 2013, has brought me several good days. But most of my days have been clouded with the symptoms results from weekly chemo infusions. Add to that, the effects of the sedatives, antihistamines and steroids that make the infusions tolerable, and I have been a walking pharmacy. All these drugs are life saving and necessary for my body, but they have not been good for my emotional and mental state!
I awoke last Saturday morning to an amazing miracle. I noticed something different about my step - I had energy! Then I observed a clearness in my thoughts. It was as if the fog had lifted. I was being surrounded in sunshine. I literally shouted to Steve, "Kathy is back!" Together, we thanked God for getting us through this dark time.
I spent the weekend with my family on the soccer fields. I enjoyed watching my grandson win his first tournament. I walked all over the field, keeping up with everybody else. When I went to church on Sunday, I could not stop smiling. My friends must have thought me a little crazy by my greeting, "I feel good!" But, I think that they could see the gratitude and relief written on my face.
Today, I am thinking a bit more spiritually about the lifting fog. I am reminded that God has plans for me that I cannot possibly know or comprehend. The whys and what-if questions that plague my finite human mind will one day be answered. I look forward to that day - when the fog is lifted and all things become clear.
First Corinthians 13: 12
(New International Version)
"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror;
then we shall see face to face.
Now I know in part;
then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."
(The Message)
"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist.
But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!
We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us,
knowing him directly just as he knows us!"
