I AM WEAK, BUT YOU ARE STRONG

These cancer months have shown me one thing.  I am weak, but God is strong.  I have tried with all my strength to be strong, courageous and faithful.  It seems that no matter how sincerely I try to leave my burdens in God's hands, doubt and fear creep in and take away my joy.  The fear is so strong that I can literally hear it, see it, taste it.  It devours me.  I KNOW where the doubting comes from.  I KNOW the author of my fear.  Yet, I just can't seem to let it go.

The predicted symptoms are beginning to become a part of my life.  The ugly possibilities that I read about in medical articles are beginning to happen to me.  WM patients often have nose bleeds because the cancerous cells cause thickness in the blood.  I almost hate to share this, but my story might help someone who reads this.  This weekend, I experienced my first WM bleed.  Blood seeped from my nose for ten hours on Saturday.  Ten hours!  As I looked at the red stains on my tissue, I could "see" cancer.  As I felt the liquid dripping, I could "feel" cancer.  Flowing through my lifeblood.  Tears flowed from my eyes as the moisture flowed from my nose.  I broke down in front of my grandchildren.  I never meant to do that.  EVER!  Very, Very, disheartening.

Mighty God, my weakness, my fear, and my lack of faith are keeping me from a life of strength. Abba Father, in my weakness, give me the courage to lay it all at your feet.  Keep me free from the evil one who urges me to pick up my burdens and take them back.  You are more powerful than he. You are more powerful than my problems.  You are more powerful than cancer.

Starting over today.  God, help me to be able to give my burdens to you.  You are my refuge and strength.  You are always there for me in times of trouble.  When earthquakes come, mountains crumble into the sea, or when cancer strikes.....You are at my right hand.....you take the force of the blow.  Help me to live in the calm center.  Your promise never changes.  I don't have to be strong, just faithful.  Help me to take your peace with me into the most difficult of days.  I love you, Lord. Help me to "be still."  Help me to "fear not."

"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.
I quit focusing on the handicap and
began appreciating the gift.
It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.
Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer,
these limitations that cut me down to size - abuse, accidents,
opposition, bad breaks.
I just let Christ take over!
And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

2 Corinthians 12:  9 - 10  The Message

Follow this link to view Selah singing "I Look To You."
http://youtu.be/-vSDhJ0LAm8

IS IT OK TO BE ANGRY?

Today, I just want to shout that I am PISSED OFF AT CANCER!  In my own distinctively OCD manner, I will list the reasons why:

1.  I am developing symptoms.  I had a three hour nose bleed today (WM patients seep blood from the nose and even the eyes (gross) as a result of hyperviscocity (thickening of the blood.)  PISSED!

2.  Blood work again this week.  Tired of it.  Angry with it.  Leave me alone!  PISSED!

3.  My friend suffering from Multiple Myeloma (Waldenstrom's equally evil cousin) is facing surgery to remove a mass and possibly radiation therapy.  Our prayer is that the cancer is contained.  PISSED!

4.  A dear friend in Odessa just discovered that she has breast cancer.  On July 25, things in her life were fine.  On July 26, her world turned upside down.  PISSED!

5.  My best friend in Round Rock has already completed surgery and treatment for breast cancer.  Major drug therapy for a long, long time to ward off the enemy.  PISSED!

6.  Another friend in Odessa, stage 4 cancer in the brain.  Treatable.  Incurable.  PISSED!

7.  Another friend in Odessa, cancer has infiltrated her entire body.  She is tired.  She is ready.  PISSED!

8.  My brother in law.  Colo-rectal cancer.  Three surgeries.  Several rounds of chemo.  PISSED!

Dear Lord,  Is it ok for me to be angry?  I think you understand.  I AM angry.  Angry for me.  Angry for my family.  Angry for my friends.  Angry for their families.  Cancer is evil.  Cancer is strong.  But not as strong as you.  You are the God over cancer.  Give us hope.  Give us faith.  Give us successful treatment.  Give us cures.  Miraculous cures; medical cures; heavenly cures.

"My grace is sufficient for you,

for my power is made perfect in weakness."

2 Corinthians 12 : 9

DISAPPOINTMENT

The emotion of the day:  disappointment.  Not panic, not despair, not fear - just disappointment.  My crazy blood is getting crazier and I am powerless to stop it.

I have lived with the diagnosis of blood cancer for five months.  I have read everything I can get my hands on about dealing with cancer - both the physical and the emotional aspects.  Well meaning friends have given me sincere advice about living life with cancer and I think I have tried it all.

I will call those first days after diagnosis the "DEPRESSION AND FEAR PERIOD."  Dark, ugly days.  I do not want to go there again.

Then came the "TOTALLY CONFUSED AND DISPLACED ERA."   For weeks, I could not concentrate.  I could not complete a task. Disorganized days of Attention Deficit Disorder in a brain that had never experienced it before.

Next came the "HAVE ENOUGH FAITH TO EARN HEALING PHASE."  Although I had never really believed that God hands out blessings in direct relationship to a person's faith, I followed the advice of lots of good friends and learned about that line of reasoning.  Many folks find comfort in that theology, but something about earning healing by works just does not sit right with me. I completely believe that our God is a God of healing, I also believe that He loves his children unconditionally and that thankfully, I do not have to earn his mercy.  He has a plan for me whether it includes miraculous healing, medical healing, or heavenly healing.

The past few months have been the "FORGET ABOUT CANCER AND LIVE YOUR LIFE DAYS."  This has worked very well for me.  Weeks have gone by that cancer has not even entered my mind.  How nice these days have been.  A friend of mine (also a blood cancer fighter) advised me to go about my business and the doctors will tell me when it is time to be concerned.  Well, darn it! The doctors told me that this week. The news has hit me like a ton of bricks.  

With a disease like Waldenstrom's, constant monitoring of the blood is necessary.  Each month, we check my hemoglobin levels to track the progress of the anemia that is a by-product of the cancer. As expected, these numbers have fluxuated up and down.  But, generally they are staying at a safe level.   Most importantly, my energy level is good.  (The doctors keep asking me "How are you feeling?.... Are you tired?....Do you have difficulty getting through the day?"  Thank God, I am doing well in those areas, but I just keep wondering when the predicted fatigue is going to hit me. What will I do then?)

This month I had my first complete myeloma panel since the original diagnosis. The numbers provide an illustration of the reproduction rate of the malignant plasma cells.  That is where the disappointment comes in.  The numbers are changing.  They are heading in the wrong direction.  I wonder why I can't feel that?  Numbers on a lab chart are the only signs that I have a problem.  It is all just surreal.  The IgM number is increasing, which means, the bad cells are busy reproducing.  The viscosity number is rising which indicates that my blood is getting thicker because of the increase in malignant cells. If change continues at this rate, treatment is a few months down the road.

When I saw my doctor in Houston back in February, he assured me that it could be years, even decades, before I would need treatment.  Apparently, that is not going to happen for me.  The indolent cancer in my body has taken a growing spell.  His words to me this week, "Well, it looks as if you may need treatment sooner than later.  I will reserve judgement until we get the next round of lab results."

DISAPPOINTMENT:
That is the only word to describe my emotional state as of now.  

GRATITUDE:
The medical world has provided me with a myriad of treatment
possibilities that will keep this disease in check.
NERVOUSNESS:
More needles; infusions of toxic chemicals into my body; physical discomfort.
TRUST:
 I know that through it all, God has a plan for me.  I know that this world is not my home and that one day, I will live with Him, free of cancer. Until then, I am determined to enjoy my life,  and fight the disease.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 
who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8: 28

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways,
and My thoughts than your thoughts.  
Isaiah 55: 9

TAKE ME OVER

"Jesus, Jesus, take me over now,

I surrender.

Everything I have, I lay it down,

all of me."  

Father, God, isn't that the center of the matter?
Doesn't that cover it all?

Jesus, I surrender to you my thoughts, my words, my heart, my mind, my relationships with family and others, my finances, my business, my health, my plasma, my red blood cells, my anemia, my music, my teaching, my stewardship, my witness.  Have I left out anything?  I lay it down.........All of me.  

You are my solid rock.  You are my provider.  You are my comforter. You are my creator.  You are my healer.  You are worthy of my praise.  You are worthy of my thankfulness.  You are faithful, you never change.  You have made many promises to me:  Promises to prosper me and not to harm me.  

I surrender all.  I am yours.  Use me.  Envelope me with your spirit. Take all of me.

"All to Jesus I surrender, 

all to him I freely give.

I will ever love and trust him,

in his presence daily live."

"So then, my friends, because of God's great mercy to us,
 I appeal to you.

Offer yourselves to God,
 dedicated to his service and pleasing to him. 

This is the true worship that you should offer.  

Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world,

but let God transform you inwardly by a

complete change of your mind.

Then you will be able to know the will of God,

what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect."

Romans 12:  1 - 2

The following link will take you to YouTube.  You will hear Michael W. Smith's "Take Me Over."
"TAKE ME OVER" by Michael W. Smith

(Lyrics:  "Take Me Over" by Michael W. Smith.  "I Surrender All" by J.W. Van Deventer.)

WHEN IT RAINS.........

I love rain!  Every drop on this parched desert called West Texas is welcomed.  As of this writing, it is Independence Day, July 4.  Odessa temperatures are in the 80's with clouds and occassional rain.  What an unusual and unexpected blessing.  When it rains, my heart rejoices.

In the midst of this beautiful day, I am reminded of the old saying, "when it rains, it pours."  This phrase usually describes times when things just seem to fall apart on multiple fronts. To me, it seems that for the past few weeks, it has been pouring!  Really pouring!

Sometimes I believe that I can ride out the storm.  At other times, I feel that I am drowning.  For this moment in time, I am coming up for air, with the knowledge that the next wave is just around the corner. Just taking a breather before the next round of waves.

No memorable literary contribution from me today.  No humorous quips. No words of wisdom or spiritual insight.  Just the lyrics of a very meaningful song by Casting Crowns.  May these words comfort you during your storms.

PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM

(excerpts)

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen",

and it's still raining.

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

and takes away.

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm.  

Be strong and courageous.  
Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 

for the LORD your God goes with you;

he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31 : 6