IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

One morning each month, I awaken with the knowledge that everything that I hold dear will be put on hold for a time.  My family, my students, my business, my errands, my home chores, everything must all be pushed aside.  For this moment of my life, nothing takes precedence over my medical appointment.  My fight against cancer is the priority of the day.  It's that time of the month.

Today is LAB DAY - the day of the month that I walk in the doors of the big medical facility that has the "C" word plastered in huge letters right across the front.  The sign on the building is a visual reminder of the enemy,  the uninvited intruder in my life.  The kind folks who work at the West Texas Cancer Center will take good care of me.  They will come up with an interesting topic of conversation to get my mind off of the needle piercing my vein, but there is just nothing about this monthly routine that is normal or pleasant.

From the moment I wake up on LAB DAY, I am reminded that malignant plasma cells are multiplying in my bone marrow and traveling my entire body through my veins.  That fluid that is created to give me life is being invaded by microscopic cells that have the power to take my life.  My body is fighting an invisible enemy and I am powerless to help.  Just believing that I have blood cancer is still difficult for me.  Thankfully, I cannot feel or see the effects of this diseases.  Numbers on a lab report - they are the only proof that I have a problem.

Today, a large quantity of my precious blood will be required for the monthly score-keeping.  How many red blood cells have managed to remain strong this month?  How much of that nasty IgM protein have the malignant cells produced?  How thick is my blood?  It is creeping up to a consistency that can be dangerous for me.  Are we there yet?  Is it time for treatment yet?  Who wins this round......... Kathy or cancer?

I just feel like whining for a moment.  I sure hate this!  Blood cancer has brought concern and financial hardships to my family.  Some days the uncertainty just makes me an emotional wreck!  For periods of time, I am simply out of commission.  I have to give myself a "time out" and that is never in my daily planner.

Then I look at my fellow cancer fighters and I feel guilty.  I have friends who are facing cancer surgery, infusions of chemotherapy, and weeks of radiation treatment..... just to survive.  And here I am waiting.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.

OK, the whining moment is over.  I am thankful that my condition is still in the "Watch and Wait" mode.  I am thankful that God has chosen to bless me with energy in the midst of anemia.  I am thankful for health care professionals who devote their lives to helping cancer patients like me.  I am grateful for a medical facility within a few miles of my home.  I am devoted to living my cancer journey out loud because I fully believe that someone who reads my simple words will be helped along their journey.

So, I should close now.  It's that time of the month and I have to get ready to go to the cancer center.  It's time to check the scoreboard.  Whatever the numbers say, God is in control, and as His child, I win!

"We also glory in our sufferings,

because we know that suffering produces perseverance;

perseverance, character;

and character, hope."

Romans 5: 3-4

"I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:13

I'D LIKE TO ORDER THE KID'S MEAL, PLEASE

"I don't know how you do it.  You've got too much on your plate!"  In my little world, I hear that observation regularly.  I'll bet that you have had the same feeling - just TOO much on your plate!  When did the portions get so overwhelming?  Family issues, business challenges, financial problems, social engagements, sports events, music lessons, church meetings.......... activities, activities, activities.

In my "cancer life," I am experiencing a lull in the action right now.  I am between monthly labs and I am feeling very well.  I cannot thank God enough for the blessing of energy that he provides for me daily.  The reality of my health is living in the back of my mind right now.  I know that the future may hold some scary times for me, but right now, all is well.  And I rest in the assurance that wherever life takes me, Jesus is already there.  I'll catch up when the time comes.  I have faith that he will be beside me every step of the way.

My "educator / entrepreneur life" has become my focus as of late.  You may of heard me say this before, but Steve and I opened WEST TEXAS MUSIC ACADEMY in obedience to God's command.  That may sound illogical, but we know beyond the shadow of a doubt that WTMA was put into our lives by divine appointment.  In our three years in business, all of our attempts to plan the workings of this business have just gone by the wayside as God has led us in unexpected directions and we have followed.

The summer of 2013 will go down in Lollar life as a time of great trial and uncertainty.  Our business nearly failed.  After a successful school year, for an "unexplained" reason, students just seemed to disappear.  Our summer vocal ensembles were cancelled due to low enrollment.  Our summer music camp program was only mildly successful.  Confused and concerned, we saw no solution, but to close down the business.  We simply could not understand why God would lead us this far only to have us close WTMA.  Our brains told us that we just could not continue pouring money into this venture, but our hearts just would not listen!  We prayed and waited.  We worried and we prayed some more.  We now see that God knew our limitations and our needs before we did.  He emptied our plates because they were about to be full to the brim.  A health crisis involving Steve's mother demanded our undivided attention for most of the summer.  There is no way that we could have handled a summer music program on top of this.  True to his promise, God provided, just enough at just the right time.  He held us through the storm and got us through to the other side.  Steve's Mom is settled and surrounded by good folks to care for her.  Fall enrollment at WTMA is booming and new students are being added every day.  God has blessed us with a few new teachers.  We are getting very close to our goal enrollment which will be the turning point for WTMA - for the first time in three years, we might just break even!  But, you know, that is our human goal - the one that limits the imagination of God.  I am just waiting for the day when God provides in such an unexpected way that we can just sit back and grin knowing that only He could do this!  Until then, we follow and obey.

My  life as "wife / mom / grandma / daughter" has never been more demanding, yet more enjoyable.  Almost always accompanied by a grand or two (or five), Steve and I go about our lives with a full house, a van load of kids, and a full plate.  When the handsome six foot two inch "Little Stevie" dances around the house and sings at the top of his lungs, I remember that he has been with us for sixteen years.  The noisy summers when he wants to be with his grandparents are not going to last forever.  When I take the 14 year old beauty to the mall to find just the perfect clothing, just the right make up, just the right hair cut, I remember that the summers of "Mamma, do I look ok?" are numbered.  Saturdays loaded with soccer games and sweaty bear hugs will come to an end eventually.  Bedtime story snuggle time with a long legged eight year old girl has become a treasure to me.  Most nights, she just says good night and that's that.

Yes,  my plate is full, sometimes to the point of insanity.  But my life is blessed beyond words.  So, I'll just keep balancing all the parts of me, knowing that God will not place more in my life than I am ready to handle.  But, every now and then, just for a break in the action, I'd like to order from the kid's meal, please.

"You can make many plans,

but the Lord's purpose will prevail."

Proverbs 19: 21

"I am trusting you, O Lord,

saying, "You Are My God!"

My future is in your hands.  

Psalms 31: 14-16