WATCH AND WAIT

This week, I enjoyed a few periods of time when cancer did not enter my mind. Reaching this point was a goal I had set for myself. Prior to this week, the word "CANCER" flashed in my mind like a neon sign all day - every waking moment. A constant noise in my subconscious interrupting every thought...... "YOU HAVE CANCER, REMEMBER?" The simplest question from friends has caused me confusion. You know the question.........you hear it every day........probably say it every day. "How are you?" The normal answer, "I'm fine, thanks" doesn't seem appropriate any more. Sometimes I speak those words automatically. As soon as they leave my lips, I hear a subconscious "Fine? Really? YOU HAVE CANCER, REMEMBER?" "Oh yes, thank you for reminding me. I was trying to forget."

Watch and Wait. I have been richly blessed with the option to delay treatment for the cancer in my blood. For that, I am eternally grateful. I am doing my best to trust, to have faith, to let this go and enjoy these symptom free days. I have to admit, letting go is still a struggle for me. I KNOW God is able to heal me of this disease, but those "what ifs" just keep creeping into my mind.

I read in a cancer website that many patients refer to the "Watch and Wait" period as "Watch and Worry." I am trying so hard to not let that be me, but I have to admit, I'm guilty. I so much want to be the "Watchful Warrior," but in the blink of an eye, I can turn into the "Watchful Wimp."  I hate that worrying wimp! It seems that the battle in my brain can become more of an issue than the battle in my blood.

Lord, God, forgive your unbelieving daughter. Why would you choose to heal someone like me when I can't even trust you completely? Why do I let my finite negative thoughts overpower what I know to be true about your healing power and your love for me? I must frustrate you even more than I frustrate myself. Before I can expect a healing of my body, I must ask for a healing of my brain. Purge it of the negative thoughts and the questions that pop in without warning. I know that those thoughts are not from you. The power of Jesus Christ is stronger than the one who causes my worry. When panic and anxiety attack me, give me the faith to turn to You, faithful healer, instead. Give me the strength to refuse to walk down the path of questions and worry. Turn my fears into rejoicing. Turn my doubts into praising. Turn my struggles into resting. Turn my ailing plasma into strong, rich marrow which will carry life to every part of my body. Jehovah Rapha - The Lord Who Heals; I trust in You.

"Rejoice in The Lord always. Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ." Phil. 3: 4 - 7.