We checked the crazy blood scoreboard and the final numbers are in. This game does NOT play by the rules. It doesn't seem to have any rules. Anemia - in check! Blood thickness - in check! But those darn proteins - the ones that my malignant plasma cells produce. Those numbers are increasing every time we check. That indicates that the malignant cells are multiplying. Just like before. Just like before chemo. Almost to the same level as when I was first diagnosed.
I just don't quite have a handle on this rare, indolent cancer, yet. Originally I was told that I could go for years without treatment (well, it took only six months for my first treatment regimen.) I keep thinking I will be one of those WMers who are blessed with lazy malignant cells. Well, apparently, mine are moving right along.
Knowing that those little bad guys are inside my bone marrow - doing their bad stuff and there's not a thing I can do to stop it really gets to me sometime. Just watch and wait. Last year it was watch followed by a very short wait. My mind just won't let that go sometimes. When am I going to have to clear out my calendar for treatment again? Not today. "I feel great. No chemo today."
"Eat more green vegetables." "Lower your body's PH level." "Try essential oils." "Think positive thoughts." "Stop drinking diet coke!" OK, OK, OK! Thank you for the advice, but really?
"Have faith." I DO have faith! I have complete faith that God will never leave me or forsake me. I have complete faith that he could HEAL me if that was His plan for me. So far, it does not look as if that is His plan. So, I have faith that He will be with me every step of the way with this crazy blood journey.
"Be brave." "Be an example to others." Sometimes I just don't feel brave. Sometimes I feel like a lousy example. Sometimes I tell my husband, "I don't like this. I don't want to have cancer any more." Can't I just shout to the top of my lungs "CANCER SUCKS!"
Then I see the photo of my friend, Susan, come up on my facebook newsfeed. Approaching the end of a long battle with cancer that has spread throughout her body. There she was in the photo. Smiling. On her birthday. Probably her last birthday on earth. Yes, Susan, Cancer sucks. You are so brave. I am a whiner.
Forgive me, Lord. Help me to trust in your plan for my life.
Comfort me with the realization that you will be with me
wherever my path takes me.
And, those little malignant cells - could you just shut them down?
That would be really awesome! As for tonight, I feel great. No chemo tomorrow!
One day at a time.
"Don 't worry about anything;
instead, pray about everything.
Tell God what you need,
and thank him for all he has done."
Philippians 4: 6-7 NLT
