February 5, 2013 was a day that will separate my life into the "before" and "after." The fifth of February - the day I learned that the word "cancer" would forever be a part of my life. It is my desire to live with Jesus Christ in the forefront of my life, and cancer in the background. The words in this blog are therapeutic to me. I hope that they will be uplifting to you. Blessings, Kathy Lollar

Sunday, March 17, 2013

BREAKING FOR SPRING

Spring Break week has come and gone - what an unusual week for me.  With my studio closed and my grandkids out of town, my list of errands and chores for the week seemed endless.  Kathy the list-maker, Kathy the over-achiever, Kathy the accomplisher, had the entire week of duties mapped out.  Oh my!  Was this house going to shine!  And the yard, new flowers would be planted and a fresh coat of paint would cover the tired, old winter drab.  My business would re-open on Monday with everything in place, activities organized, and performances arranged.

I can relate to Luke's story of Jesus visiting in the home of his friends, Martha and Mary.  Martha set out to make things perfect for those who were guests in her home.  She was so distracted by her tasks that she could not see the more important things right in front of her.  Mary, on the other hand, preferred to sit at the feet of Jesus and cling to His every word.  In Martha's frustration to get things done, she asked Jesus, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her to come and help me."  Jesus lovingly answered, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing.  Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her."

Poor Martha.  The house was full of guests.  They would be hungry soon.  If she did not prepare a meal, who would?  I totally get it!  I wonder how many golden moments I have missed in my quest to  get everything just right.  I wonder if sweet Martha ever considered that the man who was teaching in her very home was the same man who fed the multitudes with just a bit of fish and bread?

And then there was Mary.  Quite a visionary by the standards of the day.  While her sister prepared the meal for the men, as any good Jewish girl was expected to do, she  chose to to sit with the men and glean from Jesus' teaching.  Wow!  In that day, girls were not even allowed to learn to read the Torah.  Yet, this particular day, this particular girl learned from the Master himself.  Jesus was well known for disregarding accepted traditions and rules.  To our Lord, this woman had just as much right to enter into the discussion as did the men.  Jesus' words fed Mary in a way that physical food could not.

Concentration has been difficult for me the past few months.  I feel very scattered and disorganized.  I start on a project and before I realize it, something else attracts my attention and I go in a completely different direction.  For over half a century, my Martha personality has kept my household, my family, and my career going.  But recent life changes have taught me that being still is good, even fun!  Sitting for hours reading a good book is not a waste of time.  Time spent in prayer and Bible study is much more important than time spent checking duties and errands off a list.

So,  Spring Break week has come and gone.  The house is livable, but cluttered.  The yard is mowed, and the flowers have been purchased.  Maybe I will plant them tomorrow.  And the business, Monday morning, ready or not, here we come!  This week I have spent time with my husband, I have spent time in the Word, and I have enjoyed physical rest.  Although I am struggling with just a bit of guilt, I have a big smile on my face.

"Come unto me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."  Matthew 11:28.  

Saturday, March 9, 2013

WATCH AND WAIT

This week, I enjoyed a few periods of time when cancer did not enter my mind. Reaching this point was a goal I had set for myself. Prior to this week, the word "CANCER" flashed in my mind like a neon sign all day - every waking moment. A constant noise in my subconscious interrupting every thought...... "YOU HAVE CANCER, REMEMBER?" The simplest question from friends has caused me confusion. You know the question.........you hear it every day........probably say it every day. "How are you?" The normal answer, "I'm fine, thanks" doesn't seem appropriate any more. Sometimes I speak those words automatically. As soon as they leave my lips, I hear a subconscious "Fine? Really? YOU HAVE CANCER, REMEMBER?" "Oh yes, thank you for reminding me. I was trying to forget."

Watch and Wait. I have been richly blessed with the option to delay treatment for the cancer in my blood. For that, I am eternally grateful. I am doing my best to trust, to have faith, to let this go and enjoy these symptom free days. I have to admit, letting go is still a struggle for me. I KNOW God is able to heal me of this disease, but those "what ifs" just keep creeping into my mind.

I read in a cancer website that many patients refer to the "Watch and Wait" period as "Watch and Worry." I am trying so hard to not let that be me, but I have to admit, I'm guilty. I so much want to be the "Watchful Warrior," but in the blink of an eye, I can turn into the "Watchful Wimp."  I hate that worrying wimp! It seems that the battle in my brain can become more of an issue than the battle in my blood.

Lord, God, forgive your unbelieving daughter. Why would you choose to heal someone like me when I can't even trust you completely? Why do I let my finite negative thoughts overpower what I know to be true about your healing power and your love for me? I must frustrate you even more than I frustrate myself. Before I can expect a healing of my body, I must ask for a healing of my brain. Purge it of the negative thoughts and the questions that pop in without warning. I know that those thoughts are not from you. The power of Jesus Christ is stronger than the one who causes my worry. When panic and anxiety attack me, give me the faith to turn to You, faithful healer, instead. Give me the strength to refuse to walk down the path of questions and worry. Turn my fears into rejoicing. Turn my doubts into praising. Turn my struggles into resting. Turn my ailing plasma into strong, rich marrow which will carry life to every part of my body. Jehovah Rapha - The Lord Who Heals; I trust in You.

"Rejoice in The Lord always. Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ." Phil. 3: 4 - 7.



Saturday, March 2, 2013

CANCER TREATMENT: AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

Blessed beyond words! That's what I am! My oncologist believes that my cancer has not reached a point to warrant treatment. "WATCH AND WAIT" is a strategy for non-treatment for slow developing cancer. During this time, we monitor my blood levels and symptom progress monthly. Unless God chooses to intervene with divine healing, at some point, treatment will be necessary. Until then, we WAIT.

My feelings about the word WAIT have changed drastically over the past weeks. During the weeks leading up to my diagnosis, WAIT was referred to as a four letter word! Blood test ........ wait....CT scan.......wait.......bone marrow biopsy....... wait..........MRI........wait........wait.......wait!

The word WAIT is used 106 times in the Bible (King James Version.) Apparently I am not the first to struggle with the concept of waiting. It is obvious that God knows that His children will require repeated reminders. God's time table is not like ours. And that can be very frustrating for this impatient daughter of the King.

Because of the WATCH AND WAIT treatment delay, Isaiah 40:31 has a new meaning to me. "They who wait for The Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

WATCH AND WAIT. What does that mean to me now? It means time to renew my strength. Time to enjoy working in the yard with my husband. Time to go to a grandson's soccer tournament. Time to teach lots and lots of music students. Time to enjoy all the people and activities that are important to me. Time to eat better, get some exercise and prepare myself for a life with cancer.

Cancer treatment: ain't nobody got time for that! One day, it will save my life, but for now, I will WAIT........ with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.